


She Tastes Like Summer

by Siriusly_mckinnon



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Canon Divergence, Confident Steve Rogers, Darcy Lewis & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Darcy Lewis & Steve Rogers Friendship, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, Mutual Pining, Nat and Clint banter, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, lots of talks about feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-06-14 05:09:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15381348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siriusly_mckinnon/pseuds/Siriusly_mckinnon
Summary: Navigating life and relationships is hard for anybody. Throw in an emotionally constipated spysassin, a formerly brainwashed assassin with some serious self worth issues, a super soldier with a little more than a crush and a seasoned lab assistant with a sharp smile and even sharper wit and things get even more complicated.





	1. I dream we’ll be one day

Having Bucky back was surreal. Steve had mourned his friend, accepted his death and attempted to move on and Bucky’s return had shocked Steve to his very core. He had respected Bucky’s wishes and left him to figure some things out for himself. In that time he had also told Tony the truth about what had happened to his parents. Tony was childish, selfish and could get on every last nerve Steve had but he was a friend and lying to his friends was not an option. Tony deserved the truth and that’s what Steve gave him.

It had been extremely difficult for Tony. The thought of his reaction still broke Steve’s heart. For a portion of time after it he had sworn revenge, had spit heated words of hatred against Steve’s old friend and he had let him. Tony needed time for this. After a while he came to Steve, obviously still extremely hurt over the whole situation but he thanked him for telling him. He admitted that it would be difficult for him to ever forgive Bucky but it made far more sense for him to help Bucky get the help he needed to avoid something like this happening again than to succumb to violence.

So with Stark’s blessing and a little time, Bucky had made his way back to Steve. It was amazing but also… odd. Everything was so different now, even Steve’s slice of home. Bucky had moments of such clarity, where he was so like the man Steve had known that he ached for the past. Other times he was cold, mute almost as he glared at the slightest sound and glowered in stony silence. He could be a mixture of the two, quiet and reserved with a touch of the old Bucky Barnes shining through and Steve almost had whiplash from the differences in each. His memory was spotty at best, he would remember things at random but the doctors were uncertain whether he would ever get all his memories back. Bucky was seeing a therapist and although Steve had high hopes for his recovery, he knew he would never be the Bucky Barnes he had once known.

 

* * *

 

Showing him around the tower was taking far longer than Steve had originally anticipated, it was absolutely massive and Bucky wanted to see everything. He didn’t know if it was to catalogue every exit and entrance or because he was fascinated by the new world but Steve didn’t care. He saved the labs for the morning, aware of Bucky’s interest in science.

He had just approached the large window showing the inside of the lab with Bucky in tow when their resident spider strolled around the corner. He smiled upon seeing her, wearing civilian clothing, her hair the signature brilliant red she favoured and a soft smile when she spotted Steve. He inclined his head and then spotted the two coffees in her hand that had appeared seemingly out of nowhere.

‘They for us?’ he questioned as she approached.

‘No.’ she grinned at him, baring her teeth. She nodded cordially to Bucky but said nothing. He didn’t see it, instead staring intently at the lab, or more specifically the people inside the lab.

Steve jumped when he let out a low whistle. ‘I hope you’ve at least _tried_ to talk to that dame, she’s exactly your type Stevie.’ His eyes never left the woman in question as he spoke.

Trying to force him to talk to a woman, now that sounded exactly like the old Bucky. ‘What exactly is my type, Buck?’ he smiled, teasing slightly and hoping to prod a few more memories out of his friend.

‘Brunette, body like a coke bottle, hell Steve she’s even got them red lips you like.’ Bucky answered and Steve’s heart soared at the familiarity in his friends tone. He caught Natasha’s amused smile from the corner of his eye and his response was intended for her as much as it was for Bucky.

‘I prefer redheads these days.’

It took everything in him not to look at her reaction to his words. He looked at Bucky instead, who cocked an eyebrow at him and glanced at Nat.

‘Her name is Darcy, I will introduce you boys.’ Natasha didn’t wait for an answer as she walked further down the hallway. Although she was not science personnel, the doors slid open at the touch of her hand against the identification panel.

Bucky shuffled in after Steve, overwhelmed by the simultaneous buzz of activity and hush of concentration that came within the lab. The little brunette he had pointed out earlier, Darcy, was talking animatedly with Natasha, hands waving to emphasise her words and big blue eyes warm and fond when she looked at the assassin. Not the steely blue of his own but a charming sea blue colour, almost green. He watched as Natasha handed the girl one of the coffees she held and set the other one down next to an even smaller brunette who was muttering distractedly to herself and scribbling things down every minute or two.

Darcy let out a happy sigh and she held the coffee close to her chest, inhaling the scent. ‘Coffee, the sweet sweet nectar of life when you work in a lab.’ She directed this at both Bucky and Steve. ‘Nat is kind enough to keep me caffeinated when she’s tower bound.’ She nudged the redhead affectionately.

Bucky was a little shocked. He didn’t know that much about Natasha but from what he did know it was clear it took a special kind of person to gain her affection. Here was an ordinary lab assistant, seemingly unremarkable in every way that not only joked with the Black Widow but was on good enough terms that she did favours for her. 

As Steve and Natasha chatted with the girl he took in his surroundings. He noted the number of people in the room, the closest exits, the strength of the glass in the window closest to him and all of the things drilled into him that he had to be aware of. He walked closer to the desk of the other brunette who was still scribbling notes while occasionally taking sips from her coffee. She didn’t look up as he approached. It took a full three minutes of him looking over her shoulder at the complex equations on the paper in front of her for the woman to notice him.

Eventually she glanced up in alarm as if he just appeared behind her. He watched her eyes flit to his arm, not concealed in his short sleeved t-shirt. Her face softened and she spoke. ‘I’m Jane Foster, are you interested in this?’

When he nodded in response she started explaining her work to him, thankfully keeping things as simple as she could. It was fascinating, attempting to create a bridge to another world. It was also extremely overwhelming since up until recently Bucky hadn’t even known there _were_ other worlds to create bridges to.

Jane Foster was very kind, he decided. From what he knew of scientist types they were extremely focused on their work and here she was taking time out of her day to explain this all to him. Despite his dislike for the sterile, chrome environment of the lab he enjoyed the little touches of the women’s personality. On Darcy’s desk she had a framed picture of herself and Jane, a paperweight in the shape of Thor’s hammer and little Avenger figurines dotted around the place. Jane’s was simpler. He noted with amusement numerous splotches of what he assumed was coffee, dried into the table. He spotted another picture, this time of her and a large blonde man who Bucky could swear was Thor. He filed that information away for later and continued to survey the lab. He was sad to go when Steve called him to leave. Darcy, noticing his hesitation, spoke up.

‘You could come back if you like? If you don’t understand everything don’t worry, I barely speak Jane either.’ She smiled sunnily at him and he almost found himself smiling back. His eyes shot to Steve and when he gave a faint nod Bucky looked back at the smiling brunette and noticed Jane was also looking up in anticipation for his answer.

He nodded slowly and Darcy beamed even brighter at him, if that was possible. Jane also seemed pleased as she went back to her scribbling. He listened as Darcy told him her and Jane’s supposed work hours. She made a point to tell him that they shifted depending on various breakthroughs Jane made. ‘Or you could just come in with Nat?’ she said glancing at the woman in question.

Instead of the fond smile he had expected when Natasha looked at Darcy he found a blank mask. He couldn’t be sure but he almost thought Natasha was avoiding his eye. ‘My schedule is erratic Darcy, you know that. It would not be fair for me to agree to that.’

Bucky was pretty sure that was a cop out and he wondered idly if he made her uncomfortable. It would make sense, he supposed. If he remembered rightly, and there was every possibility he didn’t, he had shot her in the battle on the bridge. Maybe almost killing someone was reason enough for dislike. He smiled slightly to himself as he thought of Steve, whom he had tried to kill multiple times and who still treated him with the same level of fondness as he claimed he always had. Speaking of Steve he was staring at Natasha with a frown and a furrowed brow. Eager to get out of there without any kind of confrontation he turned to Darcy.

‘I can get here on my own, if I get lost the robot can help me.’ He pointed at the ceiling and the creepy Irish voice spoke back.

‘I would be happy to escort Sergeant Barnes.’

Bucky nodded at the three women and made his way out the door, tugging Steve to follow him as he went.

 

* * *

 

Later as Bucky trained in the gym Steve set out to find Natasha. One helpful FRIDAY later and he walked into the common kitchen, spotting her sitting on the counter swinging her legs and chewing on a sandwich. Her cheeks were puffed out with food like a chipmunk as she smiled at him and just for a second he was struck by how privileged he was to see her like this. He liked seeing her out of her usual strictness, it was always fascinating to him how she could jump from official commanding presence to adorable dork in the blink of an eye but such is the talents of a spy. She kept her official mask on for 99% of people and he was honoured he was one of the few she felt she could relax around.

He made his way over to her and leaned against the counter, her legs brushing his arms.

She nudged him with her swinging legs and swallowed before speaking. ‘How’s tricks, Rogers?’

‘How’s…?’ he shook his head, it wasn’t important. ‘That scientist, Darcy. Bucky will be okay going there won’t he?’ He trusted Nat’s judgement but it couldn’t hurt to get a little more info.

She indulged him. ‘You know I wouldn’t allow anything I thought wouldn’t help’ She smiled fondly. ‘Darce is clean, she was first contact when Thor fell and now she assists Dr Foster.’

Steve’s head jerked up. ‘She’s not… That’s not the Darcy Thor talks about is it? The one that tazed him?’ He didn’t think someone so open and friendly could cause that kind of damage. Then again, he thought as he looked at Natasha, it wasn’t wise to judge a book by its cover.

‘That’s the one.’ She said nodding. She looked unsure for a moment. ‘I know that you’re concerned for the safety of the people in the tower if Barnes was to have an episode or a relapse.’

He hated to admit it but he was. Bucky was his best friend but in Winter Soldier mode he was extremely dangerous. He nodded for her to continue.

‘I did some digging, I didn’t really expect to find anything but I thought maybe there was _something_ that would ease your mind. Surprisingly I came across something.’ She sighed before continuing.

‘There’s a phrase, something they programmed into him in the event that he turned against them.’ She winced and wouldn’t meet his eye. ‘It’s not pretty, Steve. I don’t really know the ins and outs of it but I do know it was built to be painful.’ She sighed. ‘HYDRA doesn’t take kindly to traitors.’ 

He cursed HYDRA yet again in his head. All Bucky wanted was to be left alone, he was finally somewhere he could be happy. He was somewhere he could heal. It was positive, he supposed, that there was something to be done if the worst did happen. He had fought Bucky and if it came down to it he was pretty sure he could subdue him but what about if Steve wasn’t around? There were numerous members of his team in the tower, but all it took was a second.

‘So teach it to me.’ He said eventually, once he had digested the news.

She winced again and he turned more fully to look at her. He knew that face.

‘What aren’t you telling me, Nat?’ He tried to catch her eye.

She sighed again, louder this time. ‘You can’t use it. You were the last mission before he deserted. Maybe because he failed the mission? Maybe they had him out of cryo too long and you’re the strongest memory from his past? There’s a few theories.’ She rubbed a hand across her forehead. ‘I’m sorry I don’t know more about how it works, I just know I was told that you using it isn’t an option.’

He reached across her thigh to take a hold of her hand, locking their fingers together. ‘You found out it exists Nat, It’s not your fault it was designed the way it is.’ She squeezed his hand gratefully. A thought occurred to him. ‘How did you find out about it?’

She looked a little shifty now and she was no longer meeting his eye. ‘An old contact. Before you ask, no I can’t tell you who. My secret contact would like to remain just that, a secret.’

‘Well how are we supposed to know if they’re trustworthy?’ he frowned at her and she frowned right back at him.

‘You don’t have to, you just have to know that _I’m_ trustworthy.’

He was about to respond when he felt her whole body tense. She raised her head and cocked her head to the side as if she was listening for something. He heard nothing unusual. She let go of his hand and shuffled off the counter.

‘I gotta go Steve, Clint’s back.’ She didn’t look particularly worried, just exasperated. He wondered how she knew he was back when he hadn’t heard or seen anything out of the ordinary but he knew better than to try and understand all of Natasha’s secrets. Clint had been gone on a lengthy mission and he knew better than to try and postpone their reunion.

‘Darcy is making me dinner sometime during the week, provided there’s no disasters, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if you and Barnes tagged along.’ She said as she made her way towards the door. She stopped at the frame and looked over her shoulder for his response.

‘Sure, should be fun. Just let me know’ He replied.

She nodded and walked out the door. His eyes followed her departing form appreciatively and he made a mental note to ask her more about this mysterious Darcy. He wanted to know just how she fit into Natasha’s life and how she was going to fit into his.

 

* * *

 

While Nat went about doing… whatever it was that she and Clint did, Steve made it a point to stop by the labs and have a better talk with one Darcy Lewis. He knew the stories from Thor, he often waxed lyrical about her inner strength and capabilities. Steve wasn’t worried that she was a threat to Bucky in regards to Hydra, but he was concerned she may not treat the matter with the sensitivity necessary. This was how he found himself in the lab the next morning asking her if she would like to get coffee with him while they talked.

She had been alarmed at first. She turned a charming shade of red, her mouth gaping open. ‘But… Nat? I mean I don’t think… That’s not okay’

‘What does Nat have to do with anything? I’m not here to talk about her, I want to talk about Bucky.’ He was confused, but Darcy seemed like the kind of girl that he was destined to remain constantly confused around.

Her face cleared in understanding. ‘Ah, about the lab visit?’ Without waiting for an answer she nodded and went to grab her coat, stopping at Jane’s desk to fondly ruffle the scientist’s hair. ‘Want me to bring you back a cookie, Boss lady?’

Jane hummed in the affirmative and Darcy turned to Steve. She gestured for the door and followed him out as he made his way to the on-site café.

 When he made to pay for their coffees she laughed at him, exclaiming that they weren’t on a date and there was no reason for him to pay. He could have told her it was different in his time, that he wouldn’t have felt right pulling her out from her work at his request and then not even paying.

Instead he took a different route. ‘You make Nat smile and you allowed a formerly brainwashed assassin into your lab without batting an eye, even invited him back. I know he’s a good guy because he’s my best friend. You had nothing to go on and you invited him back anyway. I think you deserve a coffee bought for you Darcy Lewis.’

She turned red again but laughed and nodded in agreement. ‘I can see why Nat likes you.’

It was his turn to blush. She didn’t specify what she meant by liked him and goddamn didn’t he feel like a schoolboy dissecting all the info his crushes friend could give him. He shook off the intruding thoughts, promising himself he’d return to them later and steered back to Bucky.

‘I know you probably meant well when you asked him back and I do think it would be good for him. I just want to make sure that _you_ understand what you’re agreeing to here. Just what do you know about Bucky?’ He tried to keep his voice friendly. It was a heavy subject and the last thing he wanted was for her to think he was being accusatory or cutting in any way.

‘Just you know… whatever Thor has told me and stuff. Clint has mentioned him a few times. Nat told me after you guys left that she thought it was a good idea.’ She looked a little uncomfortable. ‘I didn’t mean to overstep a mark or anything, Nat said he was interested in science and I just thought it might be nice for him?’

Just how Natasha knew Bucky liked science, Steve didn’t know. It was Natasha though and she knew pretty much everything.

‘You didn’t overstep. Just… Bucky isn’t the guy he was before, I don’t think he’s a danger to you or anything-’

‘Even if he was, every lab has a Hulk containment protocol. Presumably it would work in this situation too.’ She interrupted him.

He had known that actually, just hadn’t thought to apply it to this particular situation. She was right though, whether they ended up inside the containment unit or outside it they’d be safe should the worst happen.

‘Besides I asked Nat to come by the lab and scout around for anything that might be even slightly triggering.’ She sighed. ‘I know it’s not an exact science or anything. Just… every little bit helps.’

He looked at the girl in front of him with new eyes. She had clearly been giving this a lot of thought and preparation. She hadn’t just made the offer off the bat and then forgotten about it. He appreciated the effort she was going to for his friend.

He looked into her eyes earnestly. ‘Thank you. You’ve been very kind to him’

She smiled softly. ‘I think what he deserves is a little kindness, don’t you?’

He nodded his agreement and then remembered the offer Nat had made him earlier.

‘Nat invited me and Buck to your dinner thing, is that okay? It might be nice for us all to get to know each other a little better.’

She grinned widely, nodding at him. ‘I think that’s a pretty solid idea, Captain. I can interrogate you much easier in the comfort of my own home.’

‘Well I can see why Nat likes _you_ too.’ He smirked.

‘Oh we’re gonna get along just fine Rogers.’ He laughed and was about to shoot back when her phone started buzzing on the table. She picked it up and swore softly when she glanced at it.

She smiled apologetically. ‘Sorry Steve, duty calls.’ She waggled her eyebrows at him and made for the door, ruffling his hair as she went.

He grinned to himself, he could see why Natasha was so fond of the girl. She was much more than a simple lab assistant and might just be the normalcy that could bind their little group together.


	2. I like the way we work when we work together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sparring session, A dinner and Natasha acting really frickin weird

Natasha and Steve circled each other grinning. Steve enjoyed their sparring sessions immensely. Natasha had such a graceful way of fighting, it was like art to watch. He also enjoyed that she pulled no punches with him, he gave her the same treatment to the best of his ability.

She enjoyed Steve for that very reason. For some people her gender was reason enough to go easy on her. Steve didn’t. He fought her like an actual enemy was going to fight her and she liked that. The prospect of getting a super soldiered fist to the face really did wonders for her defence. She also enjoyed him tending to her various wounds afterwards, knowing she disliked going to medical.

Bucky stood on the other side of the gym watching their fight. He liked to catalogue the moves and imagine how he himself would counter them. It was useful to keep his mind distracted. A voice in the back of his mind whispered that it was also useful to record the strengths and weaknesses of potential enemies. He tried very hard to ignore that voice.

Something was niggling him about the way Natasha fought. It was something at the very edge of his mind and the more he tried to lock onto it, the further away it danced. It was extremely frustrating. It was like sometimes he could tell what she was going to do before she did it and then other times she would go completely the opposite way he expected.

It bothered him more and more as the fight progressed, this sense of almost déjà vu, but not quite. He was almost tempted to ask Natasha if he could spar with her next. He rejected this idea though, he was pretty sure she didn’t like him. Or maybe that was the wrong thing to say, she liked him fine but she always seemed so hesitant around him. He had never found himself alone in the same room as her and he was sure that wasn’t a coincidence. She didn’t seem like the type of woman to allow coincidences.

Whatever, it was fine with him. He recalled the comment Steve had made about redheads. They hadn’t yet spoken about it but he was almost positive his friend was sweet on her. He was also pretty sure she felt the same. He was a trained spy. He had caught the lingering glancing, the fond smiles she shot his way when she thought nobody was looking. Yes, he was almost positive they both had it bad for each other.

Both Natasha and Steve were panting. She had him on the defence, every move she made lightning fast and intended to hurt. He blocked her, not without difficulty and attempted to knock her feet out from under her. Natasha, anticipating this move, dodged and used his lower position to get her thighs around his neck and spun around to bring him to the floor. He recovered quickly, rolling out of her reach and jumping back up.

Bucky was lost in the fierce fight. His eyes tracked each movement as it happened and he honestly didn’t know which way it was going to go. He hardly noticed that he was muttering under his breath as he watched.

Natasha did. Her head whipped around as she looked at him in alarm. Steve, not anticipating her break in concentration, swung his fist to her stomach. It was a swing with considerable force behind it, he had expected her to block. His fist connected and she went tumbling backwards with an awful gasping sound.

Both men jerked forward as Nat shook her head from the floor. She was clutching her stomach and attempting to catch her breath.

‘I thought you’d block! I’m sorry Nat.’ Steve said, leaning a hand out to help her up.

She eyed his hand with a raised eyebrow and got up without the aid of his hand, wincing slightly.

‘It was a good hit Rogers, don’t apologise.’ She took a breath in again and despite her brush off of his apology, he still felt bad when she winced again.

‘I do think this fight is over for today however. I’ll see you boys later.’ She said this as she gathered her things, avoiding both of their eyes.

Normally Steve would write it off as embarrassment but this felt different. Nat was skittish, shaken even and that was something he rarely saw on Natasha. Also she wasn’t waiting for their traditional post fight patch up session. He knew she definitely wasn’t going to go to medical.

Frowning in concern he reached a hand out and caught her arm. ‘Wait, lemme patch you up.’

She shook his hand free and gave him a tight smile. ‘Nothing to patch up, I’m good. I don’t think I caught you with any bad hits but if I did, Barnes can take care of it.’ She glanced at Bucky and he nodded. ‘I have something to do Steve, I’ll see you later.’

Without waiting for a response she strode purposefully out the door, leaving Steve staring after her in confusion.

He turned to look at Bucky who just shrugged at him.

‘I’m not imagining this am I? Somethings up with her.’ He said frowning.

‘I don’t know her as well as you do but I can admit she’s a little skittish. She’s probably just embarrassed you got a knock on her Stevie.’ Bucky replied, clapping Steve on the shoulder.

‘No, that’s not-’ He thought back to the fight. ‘What did you say to her anyway?’

It had been when Bucky spoke she’d lost her concentration. Steve hadn’t been focusing on Bucky, he hadn’t heard whatever it was.

‘Oh, I don’t know. Encouragement?’ He shrugged at Steve again. ‘It was a heat of the moment kind of thing.’

Steve looked skyward. ‘FRIDAY did you catch it?’

‘Yes Captain Rogers.’ Came the disembodied voice. A moment later a replay of Bucky’s low voice came overhead. It was Russian. Steve had a grasp on a number of languages but Russian he struggled with. He turned to Bucky to see him looking confused.

‘What did you say?’ he said, raising an eyebrow at his friend’s expression.

‘I said-’ he cleared his throat and Steve could swear he saw a hint of red in Bucky’s cheeks. ‘Uh, I basically said “You can do better than that, Red”’

Steve laughed at his friend’s discomfort. ‘Didn’t know you were on a nickname basis, Buck.’

Bucky huffed out a laugh but his face turned serious as he spoke again. ‘Doesn’t explain the reaction though? Is she that offended I got a little familiar.’ He looked at Steve unsure. ‘Should I apologise?’

Steve shook his head. That would be extremely out of character for Natasha. ‘No, don’t do that. I don’t think that’s what it was. I’ll talk to her a bit later about it, before dinner at Darcy’s’ He nudged his friend. ‘You’re still up for that yeah?’

Bucky nodded. ‘Sure, Gotta make friends somehow don’t I?’

‘Darcy’s nice, I think you’ll get along just fine.’

Bucky just nodded again and this time Steve was sure he was blushing. He filed that info away for later and motioned for Bucky to follow him out of the gym.

 

* * *

 

After a quick shower he enquired about Natasha’s whereabouts to FRIDAY and was directed to the 63rd floor. He knew that was her studio and that she usually went there when she was stressed or upset. He made his way to the studio and sure enough there she was. He watched her, she showed no signs of discomfort from her stomach. He let out a sigh of relief. He hadn’t really thought he hurt her but still.

He was about to go inside and then he saw her face. He had only seen an expression close to it once before and that was just after Wanda had messed with their minds. He didn’t know what Nat had seen, he felt kind of guilty now that he hadn’t asked. He had been so preoccupied with himself and Ultron that he hadn’t thought about it, knowing she was okay with Clint.

Whatever she had seen had obviously shaken her. And now here she was with the same shaken expression. He internally debated for a few moments and he decided for now he would leave her be. He was pretty sure she knew that he was there but she hadn’t acknowledged his presence at all. It was obvious she needed to be alone. He walked away and vowed to talk to her about everything after dinner.

 

* * *

 

Except she never showed for dinner. When he and Bucky trudged through Darcy’s door he saw no sign of the assassin.

‘She’s not coming tonight. She texted me a while ago, something came up.’ Darcy said noticing his look, she was frowning as she spoke.

Well this was going to be awkward, he felt like he knew Darcy a little better after their coffee trip but she was still essentially a stranger. Still, it was good for Bucky to be out and about and good for him to make some non-lethal friends.

Nat’s face when he had seen her dancing earlier flashed in his mind and he internally cursed himself for not just going in and talking to her. Clearly something was up. He knew Natasha was more than capable of taking care of herself but that didn’t mean he couldn’t help.

Darcy had the table set and was dishing out their food, Spaghetti with some kind of tomato sauce, when she swore. Bucky was by her side in an instant with Steve a step behind.

‘You okay Doll? You hurt yourself’ Bucky said, examining her. She blushed, both at the term of endearment and the close scrutiny.

‘No, No I’m fine. I just-’ this time her blush was born of embarrassment. ‘I forgot to get a corkscrew from the communal kitchen earlier.’ Her face grew thoughtful. ‘One of you could probably just like… suck the cork out or something though.’ Realising what she’d said her eyes widened and flit between the two men. Bucky had an amused smile on his face, eyes crinkling at the corners.

‘I don’t think that’s actually part of my skillset.’

Darcy laughed, probably a little too loud out of nervousness but Bucky beamed with pride for making her smile anyway. Steve watched the exchange with interest and silently calculated how far away the kitchen was from the apartment. He quietly offered to go and get the corkscrew, interested to know how Bucky would handle the social interaction without Steve as a crutch.

Bucky barely focused on the swinging of the door as Steve went to retrieve the missing item. Instead he was stealthily examining the scientist, Darcy Lewis. His original impression remained, he thought she was gorgeous. She pottered around the kitchen, her dark curls swinging in her ponytail, the ends brushing her neck. Her eyes were big, surrounded by thick lashes and settled behind the black frames of her glasses. She wore blue jeans and a T-shirt with Hawkeye’s bow across the front.

One of the main things he noticed was how she seemed to emulate brightness. She had bright eyes, a sunny smile and she just seemed genuinely cheerful to him. It was nice, seeing a bright spark after being in the darkness for so long.

Realising that he had probably been silent too long his mind scrambled for something to say. His eyes caught the 4th chair at the table and he thought of their absent fourth dinner companion.

‘So, you and Natalia are pretty close?’ it seemed like a safe conversational topic.

She smiled fondly. ‘Yeah, I don’t have that many female friends but Nat is a good one. Don’t get me wrong, I love Janey with all my heart but at least Natasha answers me when I ask her something. And she doesn’t think jeans and a plaid shirt is appropriate wear for every occasion.’

‘Did you meet her through Jane?’ he said, wondering how a scientist had formed such a good bond with one of the Avengers.

‘Thor actually.’ She said and his eyebrows shot up in surprise. He hadn’t realised she knew Thor.

Seeing his reaction she raised an eyebrow. ‘You do know that Thor and Janey are totally knocking boots yes?’ At the slow shake of his head she laughed. ‘Yeah. Jane is Thor’s lady friend, light of his life, moon of his world. All that jazz.’

He sat back as he digested that info, thinking of the little scientist that had been so kind to him in the lab.

‘Anyway, I was Janey’s intern when Thor fell, we found him, SHIELD got involved because they can’t stay out of anything.’ For the first time since he’d met her, her face took on a stormy expression. ‘The boss agent guy stole my Ipod and I _still_ haven’t gotten it back.’

He wasn’t about to interrupt her to ask exactly what an Ipod was. He’d ask Steve later.

‘Clint… Or you probably know him as Hawkeye?’ she looked to him for confirmation.

He actually knew him as both, having been one of the first people Steve had introduced him to. From what he understood, Clint had also been the victim of some pretty fucked up brainwashing. Birds of a feather and all that.

When he nodded she continued. ‘He was there and I suppose he took a shine to us? We bonded over sarcasm and dazzling good looks.’ She smiled to let him know she was joking. ‘I guess being the assistant to a major scientist that’s also the God of Thunder’s lady love makes a girl a target. Clint and Thor wanted to make sure there was someone around to keep an eye on me when they couldn’t so Clint enlisted Nat.’ her face grew mischievous. ‘I don’t think he anticipated how well we’d get along’

In all the conversations Clint had with Bucky, he hadn’t once mentioned Natasha. Bucky hadn’t realised they were close either. It made sense, he supposed, since they were on the same team. Then again he didn’t see her rushing to do favours for Thor or Tony. A thought struck him and he frowned.

‘Natalia and Clint? They’re not…?’ If they were, he was pretty sure Steve would be crushed.

She snorted. ‘No, God no. They’ve known each other a long time. But if you want to know about that you’d have to ask one of them.’ She smiled apologetically at him. ‘Not really my story to tell you know?’

He nodded and was about to continue the conversation when the door swung open and Steve strolled back in, the corkscrew in his hand.

The dinner passed with good conversation and even better food. Steve was extremely pleased with how it had gone and Bucky was just happy Darcy had seemed to enjoy his company. Steve had tried and failed to subtly bring up Natasha numerous times. Bucky had hidden many smiles at his friend’s transparency. When they left Bucky had thanked Darcy for the meal and was pleasantly surprised when she reminded him about his promise to visit the labs.

The day had been a good one and as he fell into bed he smiled, hoping he could have more just like it.

* * *

 

His sleep was fitful. He wasn’t quite having a nightmare, the images weren’t coherent enough to constitute as one. Flashes of fighting, someone that looked wrong, looked too young to what he knew. Orders in Russian and the piercing cold of cryo. Long hair where he knew short. Feeling exhilarated but the ever present fear of discovery. Bucky tossed and turned, his sleeping mind not understanding the barrage of images. One thing ever present and clear, the colour red. Fear and death mingled with love and happiness. A bright image within the darkness. Something at the end of his mind that he just couldn’t grasp.

Until he did.

He woke abruptly. Sitting up he tried to get his breathing under control but his heart continued its sharp gallop in his chest. It didn’t really matter, the panic didn’t matter.

None of it mattered.

Because he _remembered._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao like the day after I posted chapter one my laptop broke, it was a tough time for us all believe me. I now have a new laptop and thankfully sent this story to my friend through messenger so I haven't lost anything. Any Russian that I attempt to use in this fic will be from google translate because I don't know any Russian people and I'm lazy so sorry if its wrong. Hope ya'll enjoy the update, Kudos and comments are love and yo girl needs some love


	3. Our names, our names in history

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of Bucky's past is unveiled in an emotional conversation.

He sat on the bed with his head in his hands. Things made so much more sense now. He checked the clock and realised it was just gone 4am, it didn’t matter though, he needed to talk about this now. He made a quick enquiry to FRIDAY about the location of Natalia’s apartment and made his way there, pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a shirt as he went.

He was outside her door in minutes. Taking a deep breath he raised his hand and let out three resounding knocks on the door. She opened it within a minute, although she was wearing pyjamas it was clear she had been awake.

The actual pyjamas were amusing, featuring a cartoon rabbit that he figured out was called thumper when she turned around to let him in as the name was stamped across her rear.

‘I’m assuming there’s a reason you’re at my door at 4am, Barnes.’ She looked wholly unimpressed.

He just stared at her. His eyes drinking her in, everything in a new view now that he knew.

She raised an eyebrow at him. ‘Are you okay? Because I don’t think-’

‘I knew you.’ He cut her off.

Her face paled and she gaped at him, her breath leaving her body in a large exhale.

‘Well fuck.’ was all she said before walking into the kitchen and motioning for him to follow. She set one of the chairs backwards and sat on it, her legs straddling each side of it.

‘What do you know?’ she said, making an effort to act contained. But Bucky knew her, he was familiar with her and he knew when she wasn’t okay.

It was a very strange experience to stand in front of somebody that had once meant the world to you but was now essentially a stranger. It was like there were two of her and two of him. The red room survivors that had found the beauty in each other when all around them was hard hate. The defected assassins that barely knew each other. Having shared so much it just felt awkward to sit there and look at her, knowing that they would never be those people again but having the memories back so freshly made him almost yearn for it.

‘I remember it all. We were together, got caught, got wiped.’ He looked at her as she closed her eyes and put her head in her hands. ‘I know I used to sneak into your room, I know I helped train you, I know you were engaged but we couldn’t stay away from each other.’ She kept her head in her hands as he spoke but he could hear her muffled swears anyway. ‘I know I called you Red when we were alone, I remember how I held you after the children’s hospital.’ She inhaled sharply at that. ‘I know that I didn’t know a damn thing about being in love with a person until I met you. The only thing I don’t know is why you didn’t tell me.’

She was silent as the seconds ticked by and he could see her shoulders shaking. When she eventually looked up at him her eyes were indeed wet.

‘I’m sorry James. I just… you never said anything and why would I want to mess with your head by bringing it up? I didn’t even-’ She cut herself off and swallowed audibly, clearly trying to keep her emotions in check. ‘I didn’t even know you were who you are until the bridge with Steve.’

‘I don’t know if you remember our ending but the last time you saw me wasn’t the last time I saw you.’ She continued. ‘When we were discovered, they took me to see you in cryo. They told me that both our memories would be wiped in retaliation for breaking the rules.’ Her jaw was tense and her eyes angry as she looked at him. ‘They just… put you away. Froze you when they didn’t need you and they wanted me to see that. Wanted me to see that there was never any hope of us being anything. That you were _theirs_ to do with what they wanted and that I could never hope to have you.’

He reached a hand across the table to grasp at hers, the feeling so familiar yet so alien.

‘And so they wiped us, and that was the end?’ he questioned.

‘I wish it had been that easy.’ She laughed bitterly. ‘They wiped you. I think… I think that was what made them start doing it after missions and such. Taking away all of you over and over again. Because of me.’ She whispered the last part almost shamefully.

He squeezed her hand and was about to tell her that they were at fault and not her when she continued speaking.

‘They didn’t let me forget though. They made me keep my memories and I had to see you, never knowing who I was or what we had. They did it to show me what happens when you disobey them.’ She sucked in a shuddering breath. ‘And it worked, I married Alexi and tried to forget about you.’

She let her head drop to land on their joined hands. It had been so many years and she had kept this inside for all that time. He couldn’t decide which was worse, forgetting your great love or having to watch them forget you.

‘Of course I couldn’t forget you but I managed, I defected and tried not to think about you.’ she pursed her lips. ‘Then you fucking shot me.’

He winced. ‘I thought I had but I couldn’t be sure. I’m sorry Natasha, You know that wasn’t me on the bridge and-’

‘I didn’t mean the bridge.’ She cut him off. Leaning back in her chair she lifted her top to show him the scar that lay on her stomach. ‘In your defence I wasn’t actually a target, I was just in your way.’

He lifted his free hand to wipe at his face and thought about the ridiculousness of the situation.  How many people could say they’d formed a forbidden relationship with the girl they’d been training, had their mind wiped and then shot her twice? Their story was a unique one.

‘By the time I had found out who you truly were, Steve had already…’ she trailed off, unsure how to complete the sentence.

‘I know. Natalia I’m not here in some misguided attempt to get you back. I know we’re different people now, I’m not him anymore. I’m not the man you knew but I’m not the man Steve knew either. I’m some kind of hybrid of the two.’

He looked at her appraisingly and thought a little about the woman that sat in front of him now and the woman he had loved.

‘You’re not the same either. How could we be? I’ll always love you Natalia, there’ll always be a part of me that’s yours and I need you to know that. I know you’ve kept your distance from me and now I know why but I don’t want you to do that anymore. I want you in my life, I want you as my friend.’

Her eyes were filling with tears again as he spoke but stubborn Natasha refused to let them fall.

‘I want you in my life too.’ Was all she got out, her voice shaking with the tears she refused to let fall.

He got up from his chair and walked over to her, crouching so he was face level with her as she sat. He wrapped his arms around her and in a rare moment of openness for him, let her tuck her face in against his neck.

‘Just let go, Red.’

Maybe it was the use of the old nickname. Maybe it was the familiar feel of his body after all those years. Maybe it was just talking about what she had kept smothered for so long. Whatever the reason, a dam broke in Natasha. He felt her body shake with the force of her sobs and he felt the tears roll from wetting his neck to soaking the shoulder of his T-shirt. He just continued to hold her until she had let it all out and her sobs turned to sniffles.

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to lose it.’ She mumbled as she pulled back from him.

He just smiled fondly at her. A thought then occurred to him.

‘Steve doesn’t know.’ It wasn’t a question. There was no way in hell Steve would have known and not said something to him.

She shook her head. ‘Like I said, I didn’t even know until after the bridge and he was so hellbent on finding you. I just… I didn’t want to complicate things.’

‘Why didn’t you say anything to him once I came back?’

She sighed and sat back. ‘I suppose I thought it was too late for that. You were back and in recovery, Tony trusts me so little already I didn’t really want him to find out about it either. Steve is… I didn’t want to-’ she struggled for words.

‘Steve can be so misguided in what he thinks is right you know? He would have tried to step back and I don’t know. I feel like… The way we are now is so great, I just didn’t want to ruin it by dropping the bombshell that I’d had an illicit affair with his best friend before I’d even known him.’ She looked at him apologetically. ‘Mostly selfish reasons really.’

He shook his head in disagreement. ‘Not selfish, not really. But you’re wrong about one thing. Steve wouldn’t have stepped back. He’s as gone on you as you are on him.’

She opened her mouth to argue with him until he levelled her with a look.

‘I know what you look like when you’re in love with someone Natalia.’

Her mouth snapped closed. She wore a troubled expression and he noted that she didn’t argue with his statement.

She seemed to internally decide something and she looked at him pleadingly. ‘Can you not tell him?  I mean you can tell him about the training me and knowing me in the Red Room but our relationship? I think I’d like to be the one to inform him about that.’

It seemed fair enough. Knowing even that he’d trained her would be explanation enough for Steve for Natasha’s recent erratic behaviour. He could see how important it was to her to be able to tell Steve exactly the way she deemed right.

‘I can agree to that. Don’t leave it too long though, he deserves to know, Nat’

She nodded and leaned forward to cup his face in her hands.

‘Thank you James.’ She leaned forward and gently pressed her lips to his.

He knew what it was. It was a goodbye. Maybe not a physical going away goodbye, but a goodbye to what they had, what they were and everything they could have been.

He moved to stand and she did too. The conversation had been emotionally taxing on them both. She walked him to the door and this time he took her face in his hands. He dropped a kiss to her forehead by way of goodnight.

‘Don’t be a stranger, Natalia.’ Was his parting line as he took off down the hall to seek the comfort of his own bed, hopefully to finish his nights rest unburdened by nightmares and memories.

 

* * *

 

As Steve walked into the kitchen early that morning he did not expect to come across Darcy Lewis sitting at the table, sleepily rumpled and clutching what he assumed was a mug of coffee in her hands. Before he may have greeted her, gotten his breakfast and headed back to his room to eat in solitary. Instead he decided to join Darcy.

She smiled at him as he approached the table and kicked out the chair opposite her for him to sit in. He looked at her properly then, noticing her pallor and dark rings under her eyes.

‘Late night, Darce?’ he didn’t want to outright say she looked terrible but well, she looked terrible.

‘Late couple of nights, apart from the little break to do dinner with you guys I’ve been working nonstop with Jane. Some very important something or other is happening right now and its “vital for her research” that we don’t miss a thing.’ She smiled tiredly at him. ‘I don’t really mind, it’s what I’m paid for and I wouldn’t leave her alone to do it.’

She yawned then and took a very unladylike slurp of her coffee. Steve just smiled a bit at her.

‘That sucks to hear but I gotta say I admire you guys for your commitment.’ He had seen Tony at the height of a science bender and knew better than to get between a scientist and their work.

‘Eh, someone has to make her function. Normally she’s okay but when she gets like this she needs to be reminded that she can’t just live off coffee for four days straight. My job is to remind her.’ She shrugged.

‘I’m pretty sure your duties extend to more than that, Darce. From what I hear you’re Jane’s right hand woman.’

She smiled and although she seemed slightly embarrassed at the compliment, she also perked up a little proudly.

‘Speaking of peoples right hand women…’ she waggled her eyebrows at him. ‘You been speaking to Nat?’

He shook his head in the negative, a frown on his face.

‘I think all is okay. She texted me a few hours ago and apologised again for not being able to make it. Maybe something just did come up?’ she reached out to pat his hand reassuringly.

Thinking back to her face as she danced he wasn’t so sure. For Darcy’s sake though, he smiled and agreed with her.

‘It’s nice that she’s got someone to look out for her.’ She continued.

‘She has all of the Avengers, you know that.’ He said, half hoping she’d drop it but also kind of interested in her opinion on the topic.

‘That’s not what I meant, you know that.’ She mimicked, smirking suggestively.

He wasn’t really sure what the general consensus on him and Natasha was. To be honest he wasn’t even sure what he thought about it. He knew what he felt, Natasha was his partner and for however long she wanted him, he’d be there.

There were times he caught her looking at him, caught her with a fond smile and a dreamy look in her eyes so unlike anything he was used to. He had seen the occasional suggestive glance she shot his way and was more than privy to her flirting. Times like that he was almost positive that she felt something for him but then she went and did things like encourage him to ask out various women. He thought she had stopped the matchmaking game and then out of the blue, just as he’d gotten used to the possibility of him and her, she brought it up again and remained on one name in particular. Sharon Carter.

Now not to get him wrong or anything, Sharon Carter was a fine dame. Any man would be lucky to have her by his side. She played her role as an Agent well and could handle a firearm better than half the damn guys he’d seen in his time with the army. She was an amazing woman and yeah, maybe in another life he could have been happy with her. But not this one. How was he supposed to envision a life with Sharon when he had the perfect one already thought out with another woman?

He was positive Natasha knew how he felt. Steve was a lot of things but subtle certainly wasn’t one of them. Here Darcy was, a girl he’d known all of a week, teasing him about his crush on her friend. So really, the ball was in Natasha’s court.

‘Yeah I know what you mean. As long as I’ve got breath in me, I’ll be there for her.’ he said after too long a silence. He hadn’t meant for something so dramatic to come out but in a way he was glad. Darcy needed to know how serious he was about this.

Her face softened completely and she reached out to pat his hand again.

‘I don’t doubt that Steve. I know Nat doesn’t either.’ She said softly.

‘Doesn’t she?’ he spoke quietly, in a rare moment of insecurity.

Darcy had that very open, understanding kind of air about her that made you want to spill all of your secrets within the first five minutes of knowing her. He didn’t worry that she’d judge him or laugh at him. Somehow he just knew she’d be there to listen.

She looked at him thoughtfully for a moment.

‘I haven’t known Nat that long to be fair.’ She pursed her lips and leaned back in her chair, watching him. ‘But goddamit Steve, she looks at you like every man wants to be looked at.’

He gaped at her. And he thought _he_ had a problem with subtlety. His mind scrambled for an appropriate response to give her but he just kept coming up blank.

Hunt down numerous rogue Hydra divisions? Not a problem for him. Have a proper conversation about a potential romantic relationship? He can’t get a word out.

Darcy giggled not unkindly at his silence and was about to say something else when, almost like she had known they were talking about her, Natasha appeared in the doorway.

She walked in and stopped by Darcy to squeeze the back of her neck gently.

‘Morning, Myshka’ she said to her and then she looked at Steve, blowing a kiss as she walked to the counter. She wrinkled her nose at the coffee and reached high to get her expensive packets of tea down and began brewing.

Darcy, her breakfast finished, quietly excused herself from the kitchen. She winked at Steve on her walk out and cocked her head slightly to where Natasha stood.

Steve made a shooing motion with his hands but laughed with her all the same.

He did make his way over to where Nat was gathering herself some tea. She rarely ate anything this early in the morning apart from the odd apple or banana. Steve liked to tease her about breakfast being the most important meal of the day to which she would almost always reply, completely deadpan. ‘It’s lucky time is a construct then.’

His eyes roved her face once he reached her. She looked tired and since he knew she required little sleep it meant she must have been awake for a considerable period of the night. Despite this, there was something about her now. She seemed lighter, less burdened than she had seemed the last while. When she smiled at him it didn’t feel as forced as he was used to. She looked beautiful.

She was looking at him out of the corner of her eye as he openly stared at her. Her mouth was ticked up at one side in a lopsided grin and after a minute she turned to look at him fully.

She cocked her eyebrow and tilted her head questioningly but still he did not speak.

Unexpectedly, she poked him in the stomach. Thankfully her words covered the embarrassing squeak he let out.

‘Do I have something on my face? Are you captivated by my beauty? Has there been a tragic accident I wasn’t told about that rendered you mute?’ she punctuated each question with another little poke to his stomach until he caught her hand and just held it.

‘The second one. You look great today, Nat.’ He said boldly, paying with her fingers as he held her hand.

Surprise flickered across her face at the unexpected compliment. Her smile became more pronounced and her gaze about ten times softer.

‘It’s a good day today, I think.’ She took their joined hands and brought them up so the back of hers rested against his heart.

He wondered if she could feel the rapid beat of his heart under her hand. He used his free hand to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. He was about to pull away when she leaned her cheek against his palm and closed her eyes.

He and Natasha had kissed before, and this still felt like the most intimate situation he had been in with her.

He was debating whether he should take a step closer. Unsure what to do in this kind of situation and he couldn’t exactly rely on experience here.

Before he could decide she opened her eyes and straightened up. She seemed to only remember their joined hands against his chest then and for a second she stared at them. There was some kind of internal debate going on in her mind, he could tell. Finally her face dropped slightly and she seemed to make some kind of decision.

She untangled her hand from his and took a step back. He let his hand drop to his side and just looked at her questioningly. She gave him another smile, this time tight and fake and mumbled some excuse about work to do.

She left the kitchen sans her steaming mug of tea that now lay forgotten on the counter. He stared at the place she had stood long after she left and wondered just what in the hell had that been?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooo dunno if any of you guessed but yeah I'm using a blend of MCU Natasha and the comics Natasha so her and Bucky do have a past in this fic as per the comics. From what a website on Russian terms of endearment tells me, Myshka= Little Mouse. Yo girl is sick rn and I'm on some heavy antibiotics so love in the form of comments and kudos would be appreciated. I hope you enjoy.


	4. So chill out, lie down, relax yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's first lab visit, an awkward confrontation and movie night for the girls.

He was nervous about going but also somewhat excited. Science had been an interest of Bucky’s since he was a child and while he was certain it had changed since his childhood, he was sure it would be just as interesting to him.

Darcy had said he could show up around 9 or 9.30 and that put him in a tizzy because he didn’t know which time was better. He knew he was overthinking it but the prospect of being in a social situation with two people that definitely weren’t Steve was freaking him out a little. Still, Darcy was sweet as apple pie and he knew she would be kind to him.

In his panic, he decided that 9.15 would be the optimum time to arrive since it was between the two options he’d been given. He actually remembered the route to the lab and so didn’t have to call on the help of the AI that still creeped him out.

He realised his next problem was his lack of authorisation to enter the labs. Thankfully Jane spotted him outside before he could worry too much about it. The door slid open and she waved him inside.

‘Is it today that your visit is? I could have sworn that was Wednesday.’ She said as she scooted around a terrifying looking machine to read the digits on the screen.

‘Uh… Today is Wednesday, Dr Foster,’ he rubbed the back of his neck and looked around the room for anyone else. All he could see was Jane and a few nameless lab assistants.

‘Is it? Sorry, we’ve been working nonstop the last couple of days. I think they’ve all blended together.’ She smiled at him.

He was about to offer to come back another day when she continued speaking, cutting him off before he could even begin.

‘Darcy isn’t in yet, she’s not so good at the whole being on time thing. She’s lucky I love her.’ She rolled her eyes fondly. ‘But when she does get here I think-’ She was cut off by the trill of the phone on her desk.

‘Speak of the devil, probably.’ She motioned for him to hand her the phone and he chanced a glance at the screen as he passed it over. Darcy’s pretty smiling face filled the screen, indicating it was her calling.

Jane answered it and made a series of hums and yes’s until she seemed to remember he was still there.

‘Oh! Grab something for Bucky too.’ She looked over at him and put her hand over the receiver.

‘What kind of coffee would you like? Darce will be here in a few she’s just downstairs grabbing a few things.’

He mumbled to get him whatever Darcy recommended and Jane nodded along. Not five minutes later Darcy appeared in a whirlwind of brightly coloured clothes and steaming cups of coffee.

She wore a pair of light blue jeans, black bejewelled convers and a pretty red sweater that made her mouth look extra bright. For a while he had been worried his clothing wouldn’t be lab appropriate but looking at her it was clear they were lax on the rules.

‘Sorry I’m late Boss, I brought cookies to make up for it.’ She grinned and slyly winked at Bucky while Jane made grabby hands at the bag.

‘Cookies are a sure-fire way to sweeten Janey up.’ Darcy continued as if Jane couldn’t hear her.

He had expected to spend his visit shadowing Darcy but he actually ended up with Jane more often. Darcy was open in telling him that she really didn’t understand all that much of what Jane did and that she was just good at deciphering what she meant in her notes and putting things in the appropriate data tables.

While he also didn’t understand half of what Jane mumbled to him he was still fascinated. She was frustrated, from what he could gather she was missing locational information on numerous planets and she wouldn’t be able to figure it out until the stars were in a certain way. The wrench in this was that she didn’t know when they would be.

As she explained it to him he could see her steadily getting more annoyed. Darcy clearly spotted it too because she left her desk and came over to her friend.

She settled behind her and kissed her cheek. Shrugging at Bucky she squeezed Jane’s shoulders and spoke. ‘The stars are not in position for this tribute.’

He was about to question her when he caught Janes reluctant smile.

‘Stars, can’t do it, not today.’ she muttered in response.

Darcy laughed. ‘That’s my girl.’ She came out from behind Jane to tug at her arms.

‘I know what we need. Dance party!’ she pulled Jane into a standing position, ignoring her protests.

‘FRIDAY, please put on my dance party playlist.’ She said as Jane tried to pull herself out of her hold. Music spilled into the room, something with a beat that Bucky didn’t recognise.

Darcy clearly did as she sang along loudly with the female voice on the track. She spun Jane around and although her movements were clunky and awkward, he could tell Jane was having fun.

Darcy was luminous as she moved. Eyes bright and mouth opened wide in delight she was possibly the most wonderful thing he had ever seen. Long curls spun out as she moved and he had the uncomfortable urge to put his hands in it to see if it was as soft as it looked. Her eyes caught his unexpectedly and he looked down in embarrassment.

He looked up again when he heard her approaching and caught the amusement on her face.

‘You don’t get a free pass, Bucko.’ She said as she reached for his hand. His left one, he noticed.

He tried to protest but she was having none of it, even Jane booed him as he made excuses. He could have stopped Darcy tugging him but instead, in a movement of pure boldness he hadn’t felt in such a long time, he used the hand she held to spin her.

She laughed in delight as she spun out and her face grew even more ecstatic when she spun back in and he put his spare hand on her waist to dance properly.

Not wanting to leave her out, he alternated between spinning and dipping Darcy and Jane. He hadn’t danced in so long it was a beautiful feeling being _allowed_ this silliness.

It all came crashing down when a male voice called from the door of the lab.

‘A dance party without me? For shame Dee, for shame Jane.’ Tony Stark said as he walked in, face buried in his StarkPhone.

When he did look up his mouth opened in shock.

Bucky had let go of Darcy but she still stood very close to him, Jane on his other side. It was obvious he had been a part of the fun.

Tony blinked a couple of times and his face turned hard. He avoided looking at Bucky and instead locked eyes with Darcy.

Jane muttered a request to FRIDAY and the music turned off, plunging the room into silence abruptly.

Bucky and Jane both shuffled awkwardly while Darcy and Tony appeared to be in some kind of eye lock standoff.

Tony’s jaw clenched visibly before he finally spoke.

‘How did you get him to act like a human?’ his voice was cold.

‘Tony.’ Darcy was reprimanding in her tone but it also held a note of pleading.

‘So the Tin man has a heart again.’ he said bitterly, still refusing to look at Bucky. ‘I didn’t realise I was paying you to dance around Miss Lewis.’

Darcy rolled her eyes knowing he wasn’t actually angry at her, just the situation.

‘Technically SI pays me so you’d have to bring that up with Pepper.’

His jaw clenched again and he shook his head.

‘Well then, I’m not much use here am I?’

It was clear he was looking to get out of the room as quickly as possible. Tony sent a quick nod to the three of them, still not meeting Bucky’s eyes and walked as briskly as he could without it looking suspicious.

Darcy sighed and put a hand on Bucky’s arm, startling him a little before she said ‘Be right back, I just wanna talk to Tony about something.’ Bucky just nodded and went to take a seat at her desk, knowing the ‘something’ she needed to talk about was most likely him. He hung his head in guilt, he had never wanted to make things difficult for her professionally.

She hurried out the door and practically ran after Tony as he hurried down the corridor. She knew he heard her calling him and was electing to ignore it.

Catching up to him she put a hand on his arm to stop him walking and he _finally_ spun around to face her. Instead of the anger she had expected to see, all his face showed was grief and regret.

‘Look I’m sorry Dee. I know you all want me to be able to be okay with all of this and I’m trying, I’m really fucking trying.’ He raised a hand to roughly rake through his hair. ‘Every time I look at his face I don’t see Steve’s best friend or your new lab buddy.’ His eyes were so haunted, it broke her heart. ‘I just see the guy who killed my parents.’

He leaned against the wall and slowly slid to a seating position, as if his legs could no longer physically hold his body up.

She slid down next to him and wrapped her arm around his knee.

‘I didn’t come out here to yell at you or anything Tony, I came out to make sure you were okay.’ And she had. Tony had such an untouchable air about him, his arrogance and twisted humour making sure that nobody looked any deeper to see the wreck that actually lay within. Not Darcy though, she knew what a mess Tony could be and goddamit she loved him anyway.

The look on his face made her despise everyone that had ever made him feel like he wasn’t worth the thought.

‘Oh… I. Oh.’ It wasn’t often Tony was lost for words.

‘I thought you’d be annoyed I interrupted you and the Cyborg’s date and…you know… couldn’t look the man in the face.’

She didn’t bother to correct him on the nature of Bucky’s visit since she was pretty sure he knew anyway and was just teasing.

‘It was never going to be easy Tony. I think you need to give yourself some credit though? He’s living in your tower- Avengers tower-’ she corrected herself when he opened his mouth to do it. ‘You’re trying to help him, we all can see that. I don’t think anybody expected you to be all buddy with him from the get go.’

Tony’s voice was low and hard when he spoke, self-hatred coating every word. ‘I wanted to be though. I know everyone thought I’d just be this guy, not able to look past what happened and throw him out on his ass as soon as I thought about it. I didn’t want to prove them right and here I am, just after being a dick.’

She sighed and rested her head against his knee, turning her head so that she could still see his face.

‘You’re not a dick Tony and honestly you were pretty much your ordinary level of annoying in there, just a little more awkward. To be frank about it Tony, yes Bucky did kill your parents. He wasn’t in control of himself and it’s HYDRA’S fault over anybody’s but when you’re sitting around panicking over everyone’s opinions on how you’re handling it I want you to remember something.’

He held her eyes for a smidge longer than she had anticipated and she was almost expecting him to shake her off him and walk away. Instead he nodded for her to continue.

‘It’s very easy for everyone else, myself included, to judge you for your reaction to Bucky but at the end of the day it’s not any of our parents that were killed.  Not one of us can tell you how you’re supposed to feel. It’s so clear how hard you’re trying with it Tony, _that’s_ what makes you a good person and _that’s_ what you should be focusing on. Nobody else’s opinion on the situation, just how you feel.’

He nodded and let out a massive breath, his whole body shuddering. She leaned up on her knees to hug him and then sat back, his face in her hands.

‘I think you’re a top notch guy anyway Tony, and whose opinion really matters besides mine?’ she smiled cheekily at him.

He smiled back at her, a genuine smile this time before it slunk into his flirtatious grin. He fluttered his eyelashes at her and lay a hand over his heart.

‘Why Miss Darcy are you coming onto me? You know your fantastic bumps and curves would tempt even the most committed man but alas I am sorry my pet, my heart does belong wholly to Pep.’

She raised a hand to her heart in mock heartbreak, playing along with his silly game. Anything to make him feel a little better.

‘Oh my days, let down again. Will lil o’l me ever find love in the big city?’

He looked at her solemnly and then nodded, seemingly deciding something in his head.

‘Threesome.’

She shrieked and let out a laugh, hitting him repeatedly as they both giggled at the silliness of it all. He caught her wrists to stop her and then rose from the floor, helping her up with him.

He ruffled her hair, mainly because he knew it annoyed her, and started to walk away. He threw a quick ‘Thanks, Dee.’ over his shoulder on his way, having had enough of facing his emotions to last him months.

She made her way back to the lab where Bucky was waiting for her. It would take time but she was confident that Tony would find it in himself to move past this.

 

* * *

 

It was not uncommon for Darcy to receive random messages from Natasha calling for a meet up. Nat didn’t really work like regular people and so planning things in advance was not something she was known for, probably due to both their erratic schedules.

So when Darcy opened her phone to the message ‘Me and you, drinks and movies tonight, be over at 7’ she just smiled and continued with her work.

Nevertheless she had a little blanket cocoon set up for them by 7. Bottles of various spirits chilling and an array of snacks on the table. Never let it be said that Darcy Lewis couldn’t absolutely rock movie night.

Nat didn’t really believe in knocking when she was expected so Darcy was unsurprised to find her sitting on her couch already as she emerged from the bedroom in her pyjamas.

She just grinned as she walked past and reached out to ruffle Nat’s hair. While she was getting down glasses for the copious amounts of alcohol they were about to consume she thought about how surreal her life had become.

She had been a regular college student, just wanted to get her degree and move onto living in the big bad world. Now she was assistant to an astrophysicist, could call Tony Stark a friend, had coffee and breakfast with Captain America and was having movie night with the lethal Black Widow.

She sat down close to Nat and let her pick the first movie, as per tradition, as she poured them both out generous measures of whiskey. The best part about having your best friend as your boss is you could show up to work hungover and instead of getting reprimanded you got asked for gossip.

 Halfway through Brave (Natasha often seemed to pick movies with archers in them, Darcy figured it was a Clint thing) she was definitely buzzed and leaning a little more firmly against Natasha.

Nat’s tolerance, like everything else about her, was utterly amazing and Darcy knew she’d have to slow down if she wanted to match their levels of drunk in any shape or form. She couldn’t stop thinking about the differences between them.

In every way really they were complete opposites, right down to looks. Still Darcy considered her one of the closest friends she had.

Brave finished and it was Darcy’s turn to choose the movie. Just to be annoying, and because she was pretty drunk, she chose one of Steve’s old propaganda movies from the 40’s. She heard Nat huff out a laugh at her choice but she said nothing.

As she watched the movie instead of making her laugh it seemed to depress her. She couldn’t help but think of the Captain as an example of all the Avengers, of their insane abilities and tragic lives.

Natasha of course noticed the dip in Darcy’s mood and she subtly turned the volume down on the TV and shifted to face her. She just looked at her with her head slightly tilted and implored her with her eyes to tell her what was up.

Darcy didn’t even bother pretending she didn’t know what Nat was on about. She took a large gulp of the liquid in her glass and tried to get her thoughts in order so she could try to explain what she was thinking.

‘I guess watching this just kind of reminded me how different I am to you guys? You’ve all suffered so much and I think I’m just a little drunk and feeling guilty about every time I’ve thought I have the worst life in the world while these mad things have been happening to you guys’ It wasn’t a new concern of Darcy’s, just one she’d never vocalised before. ‘Like I get nightmares from… you know the stuff that happened and I guess I feel like I should be able to handle it because look at you guys. You’ve been through so much worse and you’re not a baby about it.’

Natasha blinked at her. That was the silliest thing she had ever heard. Obviously she didn’t say that, instead she sat up straighter and tried to make sense.

‘So let me get this straight. You believe that because you think Steve or myself or Bucky have gone through worse than you that you don’t have the right to suffer or be affected by anything that has happened to you?’

‘Well no. I just think that I should be stronger about it? That I’m being a baby by getting upset about little things when you guys have all these big things that you could be upset about.’ It was difficult to properly explain her thoughts. Partly because Darcy hadn’t pulled on this thread before and so her thoughts on it were half formed and disorganised. Also partly because she was feeling really fucking buzzed.

‘So by that logic if you thought that, for example, Jane had a more difficult time than me, I should suck it up and deal with my shit because it doesn’t compare to hers?’ Nat could follow Darcy’s thought process easy enough but it didn’t really make any sense to her. She had no idea Darcy had felt like this at all.

‘Well it sounds stupid if you phrase it like that.’ Darcy muttered, breaking eye contact with her and instead staring into her glass.

‘I do not mean to belittle what you say Myshka, It is just surprising for me to hear that you feel that way. Listen to me carefully when I say this Darcy because I want you to really hear this.’ She chucked Darcy under the chin so she had to lock eyes with her again.

‘Every story has struggles Myshka. Big or small, there is nobody alive who has not experienced some kind of struggle in their life. There are no stipulations on suffering, no rules and regulations for what degree of pain a person must be put through before they are allowed to address it. You should never be ashamed of the depth of your feeling Darcy.’

She took a long slug of her drink before continuing.

‘There is nothing to do with deserving to feel, you just do it. You’ve experienced some terrible things, Puente Antiguo, the Dark Elves and you are more than entitled to deal with that however you deem best. But even though all that happened to you, you would never claim to have more of a right to be upset than someone who had struggled on a plane of normalcy would you?’

Darcy shook her head. Of course she wouldn’t, that wouldn’t be right.

‘So then why insist on doing it to yourself, Myshka? There is no limitation on pain unfortunately. You feel what you feel Darcy, and you should never worry that you are not entitled to your pain.’

And the more she thought about it, the more Darcy understood what Natasha was trying to say. She felt a little lighter having talked about it, like maybe the next time she woke up shuddering and sobbing she wouldn’t feel as guilty.

Nat pulled Darcy’s head down to lay in her lap. She ran her fingers through the long dark strands and Darcy was almost completely engrossed in the movie until Nat’s voice rang out into the stillness again.

‘Besides, what makes you think any of us deal with it well.’

Darcy could have answered but it felt more like a statement than a question. Almost like an admittance to herself.

Instead Darcy reached up to tug Natasha’s arm over her and linked their fingers, squeezing them in reassurance.

She was pretty sure she passed out after that. She had a vague memory of Natasha rearranging her into a more comfortable position and covering her with a blanket. After that there was only dreamland.

* * *

 

Until there was a knock on her door at an obnoxiously early hour. Well it felt like that, a quick look at her clock told her it was actually 9am. She attempted to swallow past the dryness in her mouth and winced as she moved her head, sending resounding shockwaves through her brain.

Nat, the angel that she was, had left painkillers and a litre bottle of water within arm’s reach of Darcy and she quickly guzzled it down before dragging herself to the door.

The expletives she had ready died on the tip of her tongue when she opened the door. On the other side stood Bucky, looking ridiculously good with his face freshly shaven and wearing a pair of grey sweatpants and a tight white shirt.

He blinked at her dishevelled state and slowly extended his arm towards her, handing over the coffee cup he held with care.

She practically moaned as she inhaled the scent and his eyebrows shot up by his hairline.

‘Is uh… Is this a bad time for you?’ he said while rubbing the back of his neck, his eyebrows still partying by the top of his forehead.

She assumed that was the gentlemanly way of telling her she looked like shit. She waved her hand in a motion to follow her inside.

‘I thought we could walk to the lab together, maybe? If you want to that is? Or uh… if you’re even going to the lab today?’ he seemed so adorably nervous that Darcy couldn’t help throw him a smile despite feeling like her head may crack open.

He smiled back, shoulders visibly dropping in relief. He had been worried he’d come off as overbearing or even creepy by showing up to her place. The last thing he wanted was Darcy to be afraid of him.

‘Yeah that sounds good.’ God, her voice sounded like she’d been smoking for about 80 years. ‘Just let me get changed.’

She had no time for a shower which was a damn shame because she was sure she would emerge more human than the zombie she currently felt. Instead she improvised with a bucket of deodorant and perfume, opted for leggings instead of jeans and her favourite oversized sweater. She stopped short of wearing her slippers to work. A quick drag of a brush through her hair and a lick of makeup and she was ready to go.

She almost died when on the walk to the labs he offered her the crook of his elbow for her to slip her arm into. She noted that before he did it he shifted so it would be his flesh arm she was holding but she did her best not to read into it.

Looking at him from the corner of her eye she blushed deeply when she realised he had also been looking at her. It was awkward, but a good kind of awkward. The soft, sweet kind like teenagers after their first kiss.

When they got to the door of the lab the awkwardness intensified. He stopped and looked at her, clearly unsure as to whether he was invited back in today or not. Turning to face him she cocked an eyebrow.

‘You coming in, hotshot?’ properly facing him was difficult with their linked arms so she removed it slightly, just keeping a hand on his arm.

‘If that’s okay with you and Jane? Despite y’know… all that… I actually had a fun time.’

She grinned at him and tugged on his arm to follow her in.

‘Of course, but in return you have to tell me embarrassing stories about Steve. I know you remember some so don’t even try to play that card with me.’ She called behind her.

She missed the wide smile he gave her, eyes crinkling at the corners as he responded.

‘Wouldn’t dream of it, Doll.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am better, I am writing again. I'm pretty sure I've read about dance parties done by Darcy in numerous fics so alas it is not an original idea, sorry. I have no idea who originally came up with it but whoever it was, credit to you. I read somewhere once that the stories you write are the stories you needed when you were younger and I think the Nat/Darcy conversation is a pretty good example of that being true. As always, your thoughts and kudos are appreciated. Happy reading!


	5. You know that things get worse before they get better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People sorting their shit out... kind of.

Bucky had gone through a lot in his life, there were many things he didn’t remember about who he used to be. He had lost so much of his relationship with Steve, those memories may never come back to him.

Despite all this, he knew Steve’s brooding face when he saw it.

When he walked into Steve’s apartment he hadn’t expected to come across a hulking mass of 200 pounds pouting at the kitchen table.

He settled himself in the chair across from him and was about to ask for an explanation when Steve forced a smile and spoke.

‘Hey Buck, how was the lab?’  

‘Uh… yeah it was good. Stark called in unexpectedly so that was pretty awkward. And did you know the girls do this dance party thing?’ he was thrown by the question, not realising he actually hadn’t spoken to Steve since before his lab visit and then feeling guilty about not checking in.

Steve’s smile grew slightly less forced. ‘Dance party huh? Sounds like a Darcy thing if I had to guess.’ His face clouded then. ‘Tony was there? Did he say anything?’

Bucky shuffled uncomfortably. ‘Just Stark being Stark, he was only there for a few minutes anyway.’

Steve nodded but still looked unsure.

‘So, why do you look like someone pissed in your cornflakes?’ he diverted the conversation to his original intention.

Steve shot him a withering look. ‘I don’t look like that, Jerk.’ He sighed and looked down at the table. ‘Was just thinking about something Nat said.’

Bucky froze, he hadn’t spoken to Steve about what he had remembered yet. Had Natalia gotten there first?

Steve continued, not noticing his friend’s expression. ‘She brought up Sharon again. You know Sharon Carter? I told you about her? She was talking about me asking her out.’ He sighed deeply again. ‘Maybe I should just give up on Nat, she knows how I feel and still she thinks I should look elsewhere.’

‘Well why haven’t you asked her out or anything? You haven’t told her how you feel have you?’ Bucky questioned.

Steve sat back and ran his hand along his jaw. ‘No, I haven’t told her how I feel. She knows though, I know that she knows. I suppose I’ve been waiting for her to make a move?’ He pursed his lips slightly as he thought. ‘Not just because I’m useless with dames but… her whole life has been mapped out for her. She’s never really had choices you know? I guess I want to give her the choice to get it started, I’m not gonna pressure her if she’s not ready.’

Bucky nodded thoughtfully. ‘And if she’s never ready?’

Steve looked troubled at the thought. He tapped his fingers on the table in a mindless rhythm, thinking. Eventually he just shrugged. ‘I don’t think I’ll ever not feel like this. But if she’s never ready then she’s never ready, I’d respect her wishes. I can be there for her without being with her.’

Bucky nodded and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, there was no easy way for him to say this.

‘Speaking of Natalia, I need to talk to you about something.’

Steve just looked at him, an eyebrow raised and a slight nod of his head for him to continue.

‘I remembered something. I know why she’s been so… distant with me. The Red Room had some outside help it would seem.’

Steve still looked at him expectantly so he carried on.

‘Steve, I helped train her.’

His eyebrows shot up his forehead as he gaped at Bucky.

‘That was… not what I was expecting.’ Steve said. Although now that he thought about it, their fighting styles were similar, even down to how they handled weapons.

‘And she didn’t tell any of us… why? Does she even know that you remember?’ Steve was a little pissed. This was important information and Natasha had chosen to keep it from them.

‘Yes, I’ve spoken to her since. I think she thought it might fuck with my recovery. She had her reasons for not telling us Steve. Trust her.’ Bucky cursed inwardly. It wasn’t like he could turn around and tell him that she’d kept it hidden for fear it would fuck up her relationship with Steve.

A relationship that she seemed to be actively running from based on what Bucky had seen and heard. Honestly, it was pissing him off. She’d asked him not to say anything to Steve about their past relationship and he’d complied because he knew that was the type of shit they had to discuss between them in a budding relationship but she hadn’t approached Steve about it yet and instead had pushed another woman on him?

None of it made sense to him.

‘-exactly why, just in case.’ Was all Bucky caught of whatever Steve had been saying.

He didn’t really want to leave Steve alone with his thoughts about this but before he could begin even trying to help Steve through it he had to find out exactly where Natalia stood on the matter.

He got up and clapped Steve on the shoulder.

‘We’re gonna talk more about this when I get back but I’m sorry Punk, I gotta sort something out quickly.’

Steve blinked at him, clearly surprised since Bucky had just gotten there.

‘Uh yeah sure? I’ll be here I guess.’ His voice was dejected and Bucky felt like a huge ass for leaving. He did so anyway, he knew it would help in the long run.

* * *

 

A quick check with FRIDAY told him that Nat was in her studio on the 63rd floor. He knew he should probably wait until his temper wasn’t so hot to talk to her but he could see how sweet Steve was on her and quite frankly he was pissed. He had never thought Natalia would be the kind of person to mess someone’s feelings around, especially when that person was her friend.

He had been so sure that Nat felt the same too. All her stares and fumbling with any mention of feelings for his friend had him convinced that she was gone on him too.

Steve was not shy in his feelings, there was no way she didn’t know and yet she hadn’t made any kind of a move to let him know they were reciprocated?

It wasn’t really Bucky’s place to get involved but his blind spot concerning Steve was greying that moral area and so he pressed on regardless.

He practically burst in the door, catching her off guard as she danced. Despite the ballet outfit, he found himself stepping back as she crouched into a defensive position. The outfit brought back flashes of memories from his time in the Red Room. He hadn’t been there when they were taught the art but he had seen them practicing.

Seeing it was just him she straightened herself up but her face was still positively thunderous.

‘Just what do you think you’re doing, James?’ her voice was cold and silky, a sure indication that she was pissed.

‘I wanted to talk to you. Now.’ He said slightly less confident. He was still pissed but Nat could be terrifying.

‘So talk.’ She raised an eyebrow, her jaw tensed.

‘What are you doing with Steve? You haven’t told him anything despite saying you would? You know how he feels about you, you know how you feel about him. Do I have to lock you in a room together to sort this out?’

If her face was thunderous before, now it was positively stormy.

‘What goddamn right have you Barnes? Last time I checked me and Steve are two grown adults. I know you’re desperate to play the hero but your interference isn’t appreciated here.’

He ignored her hero barb and took a couple of steps closer to her. He wasn’t confident that she wouldn’t hit him but he was pretty sure it wouldn’t come to violence.

‘I have a right when it’s needlessly hurting two people that I care about. He told me you suggested he ask out Carter again? One of these days he’s going to take your advice Natalia and then what? You’ll be fine to watch from the side-lines while he finds his happiness in someone else?’ a final step took him face to face with her.

‘So you agree that he could be happy with Sharon.’ her voice was much softer now and although it was a question, he knew she wasn’t looking for an answer.

‘He wants to be happy with you.’ he answered anyway.

She shook her head slowly. ‘I couldn’t make him happy, James. You know first-hand that a relationship with me is bound to end badly.’

He blinked at her in confusion. ‘You… you actually believe that don’t you? You actually believe he’d be better off with Carter?’

She looked at him sadly. ‘I deal in facts and logic, James. I know he wouldn’t be happy with me, we’d have a few laughs and then he’d realise the kind of person I am and he’d leave only to move on to someone like Sharon anyway. I’m just cutting out the middle man’

‘The kind of person you are?’ he questioned.

She rolled her eyes. ‘Look I know I’m not some kind of monster but you of all people know some of the things I’ve done. Some of the things I still do because there’s nobody else on the team comfortable enough to do them.’ She sighed, her shoulder dropping in defeat. ‘I know I’ve got things to make up for and I’m trying but if the scale for goodness is Steve Rogers? I don’t even feature.’

‘Carter aint you, and it’s you he wants, Red.’ He grasped her shoulder. ‘I didn’t know you felt like this, I don’t think anyone knows that’s how you think.’

She shuffled uncomfortably. ‘It’s a crush and he’ll get over it. He’s all brightness and goodness.’ She threw her hands up in an oh well gesture. ‘I’m best suited to the shadows.’

‘Best suited to the…’ he shook his head in exasperation. ‘You know, I remember a little more about my time as the Winter Soldier almost every day. I definitely remember the portion that you featured in. Let me tell you something Natalia.’ He put his free hand on her other shoulder and made sure they maintained eye contact as he spoke.

‘You were the only good thing. The only positive part of everything. You are the only part of that I can look back on and not regret. Nat, I know you were only with me for a short time but I swear to God you kept me sane.’ He gave a self-deprecating smile. ‘Well… kind of sane.’ But you made it okay. You made me feel like the real me’

It was extremely important for him that she understood what he was saying to her.

Nat was good at hiding her emotions, a lifetime of training had drilled it in to her. She could not hide the slight wobble of her lip as he spoke though.

‘I don’t know why you think you’d be bad for him when you’re the only thing he sees. You were the good thing for me, I don’t know how you wouldn’t be for him.’

They could both admit how weird this was. Her former lover telling her how good she would be for his best friend. She appreciated it nonetheless.

She was shaken at his confession. She had never thought herself all that important in the grand scheme of the life of the Winter Soldier.

James knew Steve better than anyone. If he was here trying to convince her so vehemently that her and Steve stood a chance, was it maybe time she actually listened to him?

‘You were the only good thing too.’ She whispered with a half-smile on her face.

He grinned back at her and there was a mutual moment of understanding between them before his face grew serious again.

‘You gotta tell him, just lay it all out. Even if it doesn’t work out you gotta be able to say you tried. Besides, we didn’t work out and all we have is love for each other.’ He pulled on a stray lock of her hair teasingly.

‘Do you, by chance, know where he might be?’ she said, a slow grin creeping along her face.

‘Aha!’ in his exuberance he picked her up and spun her around. He didn’t care that they were supposed to be a pair of terrifying assassins, two of his favourite people were about to make each other very happy and he was excited goddamit.

‘He’s in his room, probably moping over you.’ He said once he’d set her down.

She rolled her eyes, nodding. She made her way out of the room, stopping at the door to look over her shoulder at him.

‘Thank you James, you’re a good friend.’

She walked out and didn’t see his face drop as she went.

* * *

 

He thought about everything that had happened the last 70 years. Thought about almost killing his best friend in the world more than once. Thought about shooting his ex-lover twice. Thought about how he had murdered the Starks, people he had known and cared for. Thought about all the pain people had endured at his hands.

A good friend, even a good person? He wished it could be true.

These thoughts followed him as he made his way from her floor. He wandered aimlessly, not ready to be alone in the confines of his room but also knowing that Steve’s time was taken up right now with Natalia.

As he walked he felt his heartrate start to increase. His breath began coming shorter and faster and he cursed inwardly. This had happened before, his therapist told him it was normal and gave him a few exercises to try to neutralise it but right now he couldn’t for the life of him remember any of them.

He sunk to a sitting position against the wall, powerless to stop the influx of images that were raging behind his eyelids. Various violent acts he had committed flashed in his mind before he felt the cold of cryo take him over. He tried to scream at himself that it wasn’t real, that he would never have to experience it again.

His body seemed to listen to him somewhat but what followed was worse. He felt the chill leave his body and was replaced with the crippling shocks of the currents they had used to wipe his memories. His body jerked uncontrollably and he knew he couldn’t stop it, the best he could do was try not to injure any part of his body and try to survive through it.

The worst was the feeling of emptiness that came with the memories. The feeling of being the Winter Soldier. Logically he knew who he was, he knew he was Bucky Barnes and that he didn’t have to be Hydra’s weapon anymore. Unfortunately logic had no place in his mind right at that second.

The voice he heard sounded like it was coming from underwater. It was muffled and almost impossible to understand. He could make out his name and that was it but he clutched onto it like a lifeline. He concentrated solely on that voice, trying to block out every other feeling and sensation, latching his whole being on to this voice.

‘-safe, you’re okay Bucky, you’re safe. You’re in Avengers tower, it’s okay.’

His vision started to clear, he could feel the cool floor beneath him and it grounded him. The rushing in his ears continued to subside, allowing him to better hear the sweet feminine voice attempting to reassure him. The real world before him began to swim into focus and he saw the dark curls and bright blue eyes of Darcy Lewis looking back at him.

He knew it was stupid, but embarrassment flooded him at her being the one to find him. Anybody but her. He didn’t want to scare her or seem like a weirdo and here she found him jerking and panting on the floor like a lunatic.

There was no judgement on her face, no hint that she was thinking anything negative. All he could see was concern in her eyes.

He didn’t know what triggered this onslaught of memories, perhaps the emotional upheaval of his past with Natalia that had just been discovered. He had meant what he said to her, that she had been the only good thing in his life. She had been all that was real to him, the technicolour in the dark.

He couldn’t help but look at Darcy then, her bright purple sweater and pretty pink lips a burst of colour in the drab grey hallway. Her nails, painted electric blue, were visible as her hand stretched out towards him. Not quite touching him but looking for permission to.

He put his head in his hands and breathed out a soft ‘Oh God’ as his body shook with emotions he couldn’t articulate. Darcy took this as a cue to sit a little closer. She didn’t crowd him, didn’t try to enter his personal space. All she did was wrap one hand with those pretty coloured nails around his wrist and waited.

Eventually he spoke. ‘The last real thing I had was Natalia. Steve is familiar because he’s Stevie, from before. Natalia is the only real thing I’ve had since.’ His voice was muffled from his hands.

Darcy let out a breath of surprise. Unsure whether or not she should ask him to elaborate she floundered uselessly for a minute or so.

Bucky noticed her struggling and lowered his hands, finally making eye contact.

‘We were together, way before. But she’s going to be with Steve now, I’m happy for them.’ Articulating his feelings was difficult since he wasn’t actually sure what those feelings were.

He was happy that Nat and Steve were sorting their shit out. Insecure in himself because he felt unworthy of both of them. Confused at just how much he liked Darcy, how she made him feel more like a person and less like a machine.

She just looked at him with those big blue eyes, so understanding. In a moment of desperation he leaned forward to rest his forehead against hers.

‘I just want something real, Darcy.’ He whispered to the stillness.

It took her a beat but she lifted her hands to rest against his shoulders.

‘I’m real Bucky, I’m right here.’ She said in what she hoped was a comforting manner.

His head jerked up and his self-control snapped. Pretty Darcy with fire in her eyes and softness in her hands. She was real and she was there for him.

He surged forward, clashing their lips together. After a brief moment of shock she kissed him back. He lost himself in it. There was no tower, no murders on his conscience, no cryo, no shocks. Just Darcy. She was living and breathing in his arms, something real.

She moved closer to him, deepening the kiss and he followed her lead. At this point she was controlling the kiss and he was just along for the ride. She let out a gasp as his teeth dug into her bottom lip.

The noise broke the spell of the room and Bucky moved back so quickly he banged his head off the wall behind him. He brought his hand up to touch his lip as he stared at her with wide eyes.

She looked similarly shocked, she blinked at him uncertainly and reached a hand up. He assumed it was to cup his face but he never found out. He flinched as she raised it and her lip twisted in confusion, her hand awkwardly dropping to her side.

He was petrified. It had felt perfect, Darcy _was_ perfect and by Christ wasn’t that the biggest problem. How dare he touch her with hands that had ended so many lives? How dare he look at her with eyes that had witnessed so much violence? And most of all how dare he seek comfort in something so good when he knew he didn’t deserve it.

‘This… this was a mistake. Fuck Darcy I’m so sorry. I didn’t-’ he watched her face drop and since he couldn’t physically take a step back from her he sidestepped instead. ‘- I shouldn’t have done that. You deserve better than that. Fuck’

He said that last part louder than the rest and she jumped slightly. Great, now he had scared her. He hung his head shamefully and made his escape, shuffling down the hall as fast as he could without breaking into a run.

He heard her call his name behind him but she made no move to follow him. He ignored the shouts of his name, sure that if he did turn around he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from gathering her up in his arms for another taste.

He knew that wasn’t in the cards for him however. Murderers didn’t end up with the pretty good girl at the end of the story. Villains didn’t get their happy endings. That was for the hero and he knew when it came down to it, he wasn’t any kind of good guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Natasha badassery is coming up in a couple of chapters, have no fear. I like writing Darcy, she is an angel. She may come across a bit too perfect but don't worry, she'd got flaws just like the rest of us. Thanks for following this so far and hope you enjoy!


	6. I'll make you feel brand new

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A conversation is had, Steve learns some things and is a little shit in the process.

Natasha was pretty confident walking to Steve’s room, it was in her nature to be. Steve hadn’t been subtle in his affections for her, he was not shy or ashamed of how he felt about her and he made that pretty clear. The only thing that put a wrench in the works, the only thing to cause her anxiety now was having to tell him about her and Bucky.

Steve was a good guy. An amazing guy really but she knew that news was a lot to take in. She had a lot of faith in him but she didn’t know if that was something he would be able to get over, even for her.

She wasn’t the best at talking about her emotions, it just wasn’t the done thing where she grew up. She had always been taught that emotion was weakness and her only setting should be cold and unfeeling.

She had managed to uphold this fairly well. Her affair with the Winter Soldier a minor strike on an otherwise perfect record. Then her heart had been invaded by her new family and she was trying to catch up with the healthy way to feel things.

So maybe she wasn’t as chill about this whole admittance of feelings than she had originally thought. Still she marched on because Natasha Romanoff was a lot of things, but a coward she was not.

She reached his door too soon, stopping outside it but not knocking, not yet. She stared at the plain white door for a minute, then two. Something in her just couldn’t lift her hand and knock. Fear wasn’t an emotion she felt often, but right now she felt terrified.

‘Would you like me to inform Captain Rogers that you are outside Agent Romanoff? FRIDAY’S voice startled her.

‘No, that’s fine FRIDAY’ she said, knowing she couldn’t put it off any longer.

She raised her hand and despite every ingrained instinct in her screaming to turn around and flee, she knocked on the door.

Thankfully she wasn’t waiting long. He opened the door unnervingly quickly and looked almost surprised to see her. She inwardly hoped he hadn’t been expecting someone because if someone else arrived while they were talking it could get pretty awkward. Then she remembered James knew where she was going and since he was the biggest cheerleader for this potential relationship that there was, she was confident he would keep people at bay.

‘Nat.’ he smiled at her in greeting but it was strained. Stepping back from the door, he motioned for her to come in.

She did, but didn’t take a seat. Instead she walked to the middle of the room and waited for him to join her there.

‘I think I’ve been an idiot.’ It was no small thing for her to admit that. She was never supposed to admit wrongdoing.

His smile was more genuine now. ‘Probably. What about this time?’ he teased.

‘About you.’ She was straight-faced and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

‘You’ve been an idiot about me… how exactly?’

She took a step closer to him.

‘I think you know exactly how.’

She watched his adams apple bob as he swallowed and saw the hope growing on his face. She felt terrible for holding off on this for so long. Still, she needed to tell him everything before she got any closer.

‘I’ve pushed you towards other woman for as long as I’ve known you, even after I developed feelings for you. I thought I was wrong for you, that I could never make you happy the way somebody else could.’

‘Nat that’s not-’

‘Just let me get it out.’ She cut him off. ‘I see now that it doesn’t matter what I thought was best for you. What you want is your choice and I shouldn’t meddle in what I think will make you happy.’

‘You make me happy.’ This time it was Steve interrupting her.

She allowed herself an indulgent smile before continuing.

‘There is something you should be aware of before you decide you want me, Steve.’ She knew how important it was to look him in the eye when she said this but everything told her to avert her eyes.  She didn’t.

‘I don’t care what you might have done in the past Nat. If this is what I think it is, I don’t care about anything but you right now.’ He said as he tried to step closer to her.

‘You’ll care about this.’ She took a step back, recreating the distance between them. Steve looked frustrated but respected her wishes and remained where he stood. ‘It’s about Bucky.’

He rolled his eyes and held his hands out pleadingly. ‘Nat, I already know he trained you. Will you please just come here.’

She was so tempted to just fall into his arms. All the time she’d spent putting off her feelings and pushing him towards other people was moot now. She could touch him, if she wanted to. He would hold her, if she needed him to. But she knew it would all be tainted if they didn’t have this conversation.

‘He didn’t just train me Steve.’ She sighed out. He just shook his head in question, his arms still outstretched.

‘Me and James. We got about as close as you could get to love in that place.’ Quick, like ripping off a band aid. She still didn’t avert her eyes so she caught the utter shock in his.

He staggered back slightly, his hands no longer stretched out towards her but instead gripping the kitchen island.

‘You and… You were?’ he looked away from her then and her heart clenched. ‘Bucky didn’t say anything.’

‘I asked him not to.’ She said evenly. She would explain this to Steve and he would either accept her or reject her. She would not cry and she would not beg. ‘I wanted to tell you myself.’

He nodded faintly and stood there for a few beats, clearly thinking. His face cleared and he stood taller. His jaw set and eyes determined.

She braced herself for the rejection.

‘I don’t care.’

She blinked at him in shock. That was not the reaction she had been expecting.

‘If you still had feelings for him you wouldn’t be standing here in front of me. And he wouldn’t be mooning after Darcy.’ He nodded, more to himself than to her. ‘The past is the past Nat. Look it’s fucking weird okay and it’s gonna take me a while to get that image out of my head.’

He walked over to her then, slowly so she would have time to stop him if she wanted to. She didn’t. He lifted his large hands to wrap around her upper arms.

‘I want you, and if you want me too there’s nothing on this earth or any other that’s gonna keep us away from each other.’

‘Dramatic.’ She muttered as she let a smile engulf her face.

‘You like me dramatic.’ He said as he moved his hands from her arms to her waist.

Instead of the kiss she had been anticipating, he wrapped his arms around her in a bone crushing hug. His shoulders dropped in relief and she found herself surrounded by his warmth. She nestled her head in his shoulder and dropped a kiss to his bare neck.

‘Just to clarify. We are 100% a thing now.’ Her voice was muffled by his neck and she felt more than heard his laugh.

‘Yes you infuriating, brilliant woman.’ He leaned back and looked at her with bright eyes. ‘You know I hoped we would get here but I don’t think I actually thought it would happen.’ His face was illuminated with happiness.

She felt a stab of guilt. ‘Sorry I kept you waiting Captain.’ She looked up at him and if possible his smile grew wider.

His used his hand to cup the back of her head, threading his fingers through her vibrant hair.

‘Got here in the end didn’t you.’ And then finally, _finally_ he kissed her like she’d been waiting to be kissed.

She’d joked with him when they had kissed undercover, asking if it had been his first kiss since coming off the ice. She’d done that half because she was terrified of how it had made her feel and half because she was some sort of masochist and wanted to know how active he was with women.

This kiss blew the other out of the water. A fleeting thought struck her that maybe it was so much better because he had practice since but she quickly buried it. Maybe it was so much better because she was finally allowed to feel for him everything she had been bottling up.

It wasn’t the soft, exploring, respectful kind of kiss someone might expect from Captain America. This was clearly Steve Rogers kissing her. Fast, dirty and confident. Just how she liked it.

When they finally broke apart they were panting. This was a feat in itself since it took a lot to knock the breath out of both of them. Neither of them could keep the smile from their face.

It was one of the first times Natasha truly felt unburdened.

He leaned his forehead against hers and closed his eyes, just enjoying the moment.

She closed her eyes too. Honestly she was afraid that she’d jerk awake and find she’d dreamt all of this. She was about to go in for another kiss when FRIDAY’S voice broke the spell of the room.

‘Pardon the interruption Agent Romanoff but your presence has been requested by the director.’

She moved her head to again rest against his shoulder and she groaned into his neck.

He stroked the back of her head. ‘It’s okay, we’ve got time Nat.’

She smiled at that but was still annoyed she had to leave, it derailed all the things she had been hoping to do with her evening.

She nodded against his neck regardless and took a step back. She dropped a quick peck to his lips, just because she could, and walked out the door much lighter than when she had walked in.

He watched her go, appreciating the view since now he was openly allowed to. Once she was gone he leaned against the island and laughed out loud. Bucky was home, him and Nat were giving things a go and there hadn’t been an international catastrophe for at least a week. Life was good.

 

* * *

 

Natasha left Fury’s office annoyed. She didn’t want to take her bad mood out on Steve so instead of going to his apartment like she had planned, she made her way to her own. Perhaps a shower would make her feel less irritated.

She was just grabbing a towel from her press when she heard a light thump behind her and she immediately got into position, ready to defend herself.

She straightened up when she saw it was just Clint, the vent above him open from his descent.

She shook her head in fond exasperation. ‘I don’t understand why you can’t just use the door, Clint.’

‘What? Is it a crime to prefer using the vents to get into peoples apartments now?’ he said as he strolled into her kitchen and picked himself up an apple.

She cocked her head to the side as she thought.

‘Well… yeah actually it is?’

He shrugged and sat in a kitchen chair, his legs propped up on the table, and began tossing and catching his apple.

She watched him in amusement. Somehow Clint always seemed to know when she was in a mood and he always seemed to come along to cheer her up.

Just as she started to relax, he caught the apple and took a bite of it. He looked her square in the eye and spoke.

‘So… You and the good Captain?’ he gave her a sly grin as he chewed his apple.

She huffed out an annoyed breath. ‘How do you know about that?’ he always seemed to know things before she told him. Often she had considered he was somehow spying on her but she rejected the idea. She would know and he wouldn’t do that.

‘You’re my best friend Nat, I can tell when you’re happy.’ He looked at her innocently.

She just raised an eyebrow and continued staring at him.

He rolled his eyes and put down the apple.

‘Ok so maybe me and Tony gossip about you guys in the coffee room.’

She snorted. The image of Tony and Clint huddled over a table, mugs of coffee in their hands, dissecting each of her and Steve’s interactions had her snorting again.

‘You guys are idiots, you know that right?’ she said with an amused smile on her face. They were worse than old ladies.

‘Am I a correct idiot?’ he grinned up at her.

She moved to stand behind him and wrap her arms around his shoulders, her chin resting on his head.

‘You’re not an incorrect idiot.’

There were approximately four people in the tower that she was this touchy with. Steve because they were together. Bucky because they _had_ been together. Darcy because she was her little ball of sunshine. Clint because he was her best friend. If anybody else got familiar it wouldn’t go well for them.

Clint raised a hand to rest against her forearm. ‘Tony owes me $100’

He couldn’t see it but she raised her eyebrow at him regardless, he would know. ‘Did you bet on me and Steve getting together?’

He barked out a laugh. ‘Nat, we all knew you were going to find each other at some point. The question wasn’t if, it was _when.’_

She frowned at that, she didn’t like to be predictable.

‘You’re giving me half of it smartass.’ She plucked the apple from his hand and took a bite, moving around to sit across from him.

‘Aww Nat, c’mon you can’t blame me for knowing you well.’ He whined.

‘I can blame you for profiting from it.’

Well, he couldn’t really argue with that. Instead he just pursed his lips and nodded his silent agreement.

‘So what had you pouting before I arrived?’ he said, remembering his original purpose in visiting.

‘I don’t pout’ she muttered while pouting.

He just laughed and gestured to her face.

She scrunched her nose at him and got back to the topic at hand.

‘Fury gave me a mission, 10 days from now.’ She clenched her jaw in annoyance. ‘I can’t really complain that much, I just wanted some more time in the tower since things are going so well for me.’

Clint nodded, it was kind of crappy but they had a job to do.

‘What kind of mission? Need me to tag along?’ missions with Nat were always fun.

She shook her head. ‘They’re sending James with me actually. It’s just a press conference kind of thing in DC to discuss Ultron and since he can pilot and protect they thought it might be a good kind of mission to reintegrate him.’

Clint was a little offended. He could pilot and protect just as easily. He supposed it made sense though, sending Bucky into active combat would be stupid but it wasn’t like he could just sit around doing nothing either. He had expressed his interest in helping them and this seemed like the perfect kind of thing. Assisting official Avenger business without actually spilling any blood.

‘You okay with that?’ he felt like he spent his life worrying about Natasha. Clint was a natural born worrier though nobody would know with the way he came across.

‘It’ll be fine, cute bonding trip.’ She grinned at him.

She was still annoyed she had to leave but she could see the wisdom in getting Bucky out there.

Clint’s face grew serious. ‘You know why they’re sending you and not any of us right?’

She pursed her lips in further annoyance. ‘Capitalising on the fact that I got kidnapped in the hopes it’ll soften the public because they’ll feel sorry for me? Yeah I know.’

He reached out to pat her hand and smiled at her. ‘As long as you know.’

Then he hopped up and made his way to the counter.

‘You seeing Cap tonight or are you cool to hang out.’ He questioned as he flipped through the takeout menus she had strewn about.

She actually had been planning on going to Steve’s after her shower but Clint was around so little and they hadn’t had time just to them in ages. It was fine, like Steve had said, they had time.

‘Fine, but we’re getting sushi and you’re not going to complain.’

He wrinkled his nose in distaste but picked up the sushi menu regardless and made his way over to her.

What Natasha wanted, Natasha would get.

 

* * *

 

Bucky was acting weird. Weirder than usual. He was quiet and withdrawn, jumpy, he didn’t want to be social at all and refused to eat any meal in the communal area. He had been like this for almost a week which was a pretty long spell for him. Steve knew that blue periods like this were to be expected with Bucky, but it almost felt like he was avoiding someone. And Steve had a pretty good idea who that someone was.

For a trained spy, Bucky had a surprising lack of subtlety when it came to his crush on Darcy. He lit up when he spoke about her, every positive story he had was ‘Darcy said this’ or ‘Darcy taught me that’ or ‘Darcy reprogrammed DUM-E to follow Stark around spraying a fire extinguisher at him all day.’

Steve didn’t mind, he was all about making Bucky happy and spending time with Darcy was what made him happy. Right now though, he was worried about him. He hadn’t visited the labs all week even though Steve knew it was now one of Bucky’s favourite places. He hadn’t said a word about Darcy since he’d come into the room. He had barely asked about Steve and Natasha’s newfound relationship despite being almost weirdly invested in it. He had come in, sat down and just stared into space.

It took Steve calling his name three times for him to actually answer, not because he hadn’t heard him but because he hadn’t seemed to have the effort in him to answer. He refused to talk about whatever was bothering him and when Steve brought up the pretty brunettes name Bucky just glared at him before leaving the room.

He thought the utter world of Nat but he didn’t think her harsher manner would be suitable here. He had to go directly to the source. He needed Darcy.

Finding her was easy, he didn’t even need to ask FRIDAY. His rooms were conveniently close to the communal kitchen and the wonderful smell of baked goods were easily identifiable. The only person in the tower that he was aware of that could cook like that was Darcy.

Strolling into the kitchen he was delighted to find his timing perfect. She was just pulling a batch of what looked like cookies from the oven as he took a seat on one of the stools. He had thought she hadn’t seen him until he reached a hand out towards the piping hot tray and she slapped it away with her spatula.

He yelped in surprise and she laughed, but he noted it wasn’t quite as exuberant as he would have liked.

‘Not until they cool.’ She said, sliding into the stool next to him.

‘Dictator’ he muttered under his breath.

She let out a startled laugh. ‘I don’t think Captain America is supposed to go around calling people dictators all willy nilly.’

Steve just shrugged. ‘Eh, Captain America isn’t supposed to do a lot of things.’

She couldn’t really argue with that, given his track record.

He grew more serious then. ‘Anyway Darce, I was hoping you’d know what’s up with Buck? He’s acting weird.’

At the mention of his friends name her whole body froze. Darcy had many talents but acting was definitely not one of them if her ‘deer in the headlights’ expression was anything to go by.

So clearly she did know whatever was bothering him.

She was silent for too many beats until eventually she stuttered out. ‘I uh… I think you should talk to him about that.’

Steve eyed her curiously, so something must have happened.

‘I tried, he doesn’t seem to wanna talk about it. Buck’s always been like that though, hates talking about his feelings. We weren’t really encouraged to do it you know… back then and HYDRA were hardly jumpin’ out their skins to listen to his problems.’

She gave him a half smile but her terrible attempt at a poker face was still in place.

‘Look Steve I don’t really feel comfortable talking about what happened if he hasn’t told you.’ She shuffled uncomfortably.

Steve wasn’t above using leading tactics to convince Darcy to talk. He was pretty smart, a few hints and he could probably put it together himself.

‘So something did happen.’ He posed it as a statement instead of a question. ‘And only you and Bucky know about it.’

He stared straight ahead as he spoke so he wasn’t looking at her, giving her the comfort to allow expression to return to her face. Little did she know, he could see her in the reflection on the oven door.

She was fiddling with her fingers nervously. The thing that gave her away most was the deep blush that stained her cheeks and the red flush that covered her chest.

He thought of all the information he had about Bucky and Darcy, compiled it together and took a shot in the dark.

‘You guys kissed.’

Her reaction was instantaneous and obvious. He had gotten it right. She let her head fall into her hands and groaned.

‘Am I that obvious?’

He lifted a hand and awkwardly placed it between her shoulders in an attempt at comfort. He was getting better with the social norms but still wasn’t always sure what to do in certain situations.

‘Trained to notice these things, Darce.’ He cleared his throat awkwardly. ‘So uh… I’m right then.’

She lifted her head and nodded. Steve was trying to find a way to politely ask why Bucky was wandering around as if he had a stick up his ass since he should be happy when she continued.

‘It was a mistake though.’

He narrowed his eyes at her. Had she rejected him? It would explain his foul mood and avoidance of the labs and kitchen.

‘It… didn’t go well?’ he questioned, confused.

‘Bucky’s kissing was perfectly adequate.’ She snapped at him before realising what she had said and then blushed hard. ‘I didn’t mean… oh you know what I mean, shut up Rogers.’

He managed to stifle his laugh, the last thing he wanted to do was embarrass her. He nodded at her in a prompt to continue.

‘Bucky doesn’t like me… like that.’ Was all she said.

He waited, but was met with silence from her. He thought it was damn stupid since any fool could see Bucky’s crush on the girl except for the actual girl in question. At least Nat had known he was stupid about her.

‘And you know this because he told you?’ he asked.

‘He said it was a mistake.’ She slid off her stool and busied herself by loading the dishwasher with all of the things she had used for baking. Steve was well aware it was so she could speak with her back to him.

‘It’s fine if he just needs me as a friend. I can be that for him. I had thought that…’ she trailed off in a sigh. ‘It doesn’t matter what I thought, he wants me as a friend, if even that.’

She could hide her face from him, try to hide her emotions like that, but she couldn’t hide the sadness in her voice.

‘I don’t think that’s true Darcy.’ He gently disagreed.

‘Well since you are not in fact Bucky, it doesn’t really matter what you think.’ Her voice was sharp and clipped. She clearly wanted to drop the topic. Steve really didn’t want to make her mad or upset her but he also didn’t want her to get the wrong idea about Bucky.

Sure, he had been a bit of a ladies man back before the war. He had a few girlfriends, none of them really serious and frequently went on dates. Always respectful with them but clear that a date wasn’t any kind of a promise. Suave and charming, a real Casanova. That was the old Bucky.

Steve was pretty sure after everything he had been through, a relationship was the last thing on his mind. Then along came Darcy and he watched bits of his old charm spill back out. Steve was no genius but he was sold on the idea that Darcy was good for Bucky.

Looking at her, he was pretty sure Bucky would be good for Darcy too. It wouldn’t be easy for her, Bucky had a hell of a long road to go and scars that surpassed any kind of regular person. But Darcy had scars too. She was caught in the awkward position of knowing too much and not knowing enough. Her contact with Jane and Thor meant that she would never be safe in the regular world and so she was essentially stuck in this life now.

She never complained, never let on that it upset her or that she wanted anything else but Steve was sure she had aspirations and goals before this. A plan to follow for her career and general life. She hadn’t asked for a God to fall from the sky, she hadn’t asked for her world to be changed so suddenly, she hadn’t asked for that plan to all be ripped away. And still, she never complained.

Bucky knew a little of what that was like. Kindred spirits. Steve didn’t make decisions for people, he liked to give everyone a choice. He could see however, that these idiots were perfect for each other and neither of them were willing to step up and admit it.

‘You’re right about that Darcy but I do know him, probably better than anyone else on this earth. And his feelings? They seem far from platonic. But you do what you wanna do, this ain’t about me.’ He said before slipping off his stool.

Darcy sighed and finally turned around.

‘Yeah… I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be a bitch. It’s just kind of a shitty situation.’ She huffed out a breath, blowing upwards so the curls around her forehead ruffled. ‘Just let him know we miss him in the lab and he’s more than welcome to come back.’

Steve nodded. He’d pass on that message, he’d make sure he did while maybe slapping Bucky upside the head for being an idiot.

Deeming the conversation over he made to leave. Just before walking out he shot his hand out lightning quick, grabbed a handful of cooling cookies from the tray and took off running.

He heard Darcy’s enraged cries from behind him and heard the scuffle of her picking up her spatula and taking off after him. He just laughed knowing she’d never catch him now.

He shouldn’t have been so confident though, nobody messed with Darcy Lewis and got away with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooo updates may be slightly slower after this because I start work and college next week and dunno how much time I'll have to write. I'll do my best not to have them ridiculously sporadic though. Lemme know what ye think and I hope ya'll enjoy!


	7. She tastes like sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve shows off his comforting skills and is given a difficult mission.

He had watched the footage live on television. When everything had gone to shit, he had heard what was going on from Fury. It wasn’t HYDRA, just some protest group pissed off about the Avengers and easily armed in this goddamn country.

He knew they were both highly trained and that they would be safe. He also knew both of them cared deeply for the safety of others and may put themselves in harms way if it meant saving somebody.

And there was nothing he could really do. It wasn’t big enough to send them out there and by the time they eventually got out the whole thing would be over. The only thing Steve could do now was wait for two people he loved to get back to the Tower safely.

It hadn’t been going too badly before the interruption. It bothered him that Natasha’s trauma was being used to invoke pity from the public but he did agree that they needed all the help they could in getting the public to understand exactly what happened in Sokovia.

They weren’t even supposed to notice Bucky but with him currently bouncing around the room the conference had been in, his arm was perfectly visible as he defended the civilians from the onslaught of shots from the protesters. They’d deal with that later.

Nat was smart, she took out the cameras in the building quick enough so that the public wouldn’t see the mess but left them long enough that they saw two members of the Avengers protecting those that couldn’t protect themselves.

Personally Steve couldn’t really give a shit what the public thought of them but he knew the likes of Fury and Hill would be happy with her over it.

He was sitting outside the directors office when Fury himself strolled out, looked at him gravely and beckoned for Steve to follow him into the office. Steve felt a stab of guilt that he hadn’t contacted Darcy. She was bound to be frantic, Nat was one of her best friends and Bucky? Well he wasn’t going to even try to figure out what was going on there right now. He made a mental note to get on to her once the director was finished with him so at least they could suffer together.

The Director sat behind his desk and folded his hands together. He sighed heavily.

‘I’m not going to beat around the bush here Captain, we’ve discovered something and we’d like you to deal with it.’

Steve raised an eyebrow, ‘I’ll need a little more to go on than that, Director.’

‘Am I right in saying you and Agent Romanoff are pursuing a relationship?’ he said, his voice a shade cooler.

Steve frowned. ‘I don’t see what that has-’

‘I’ll take that as a yes.’ Fury interrupted him. His voice was still cold and his eye was steely.

Steve couldn’t shake the feeling he was being given some kind of unspoken shovel talk.

‘This may be a sensitive subject in that case Captain.’ Steve nodded for him to continue. ‘We were under the impression that the Black Widow programme had been eradicated by SHIELD after Natasha defected. We were wrong.’

All Steve really knew about the Black Widow programme was that it had produced Natasha. She had nightmares, but never really spoke about it. The only thing she had ever said to make him see how bad it was let him know that she had killed friends and enemies alike to survive.

She had also told him that SHIELD had taken it down. She had given them the information needed and then, still not trusted at that point, had been forced to stay behind as SHIELD agents led by Hawkeye had torn the place apart. They had also taken down every sleeper cell there was, or so they thought.

‘Are you telling me they’re making more? Is Natasha in danger?’ Nat was deadly, more with her skillset could be problematic.

The Director’s default face was angry so Steve didn’t actually know if Fury was genuinely annoyed right now, if he was concerned or if he was completely neutral. Fury was fond of Natasha, though he would never admit it and Steve knew that.

‘We don’t know. They may come for Natasha, but we think it’s a good sign that they haven’t yet. That being said, with the current shitshow going on in Washington we’re not sure she’s not on their radar.’ Fury leaned back in his chair, hands still clasped together. ‘The question isn’t if she’s in danger from the cell, but if she’s in danger from herself.’

It took Steve a minute to realise just what the Director was saying.

‘You hardly think Nat would turn?’ It was ridiculous.

Fury raised his chin and Steve marvelled, not for the first time, how he could be 10 times more intimidating than any other man using just one eye.

‘Quite frankly Captain, we don’t know what to think. This is a… unique situation. If it was a cell of HYDRA would you send Sergeant Barnes into the thick of it?’

Steve grit his teeth at that. ‘Natasha has been on your side for years.’

Fury didn’t quite shrug, but it was close. ‘Like I said Captain, a unique situation.’

Steve was angry, not only at the insinuation that they couldn’t trust her if faced with her old handlers but also at the knowledge that Fury was right.

He had seen how triggers affected Bucky, how he could click back to the Winter Soldier quicker than someone could blink. What if that happened to Natasha? He knew she would never consciously turn on the Avengers or what was left of SHIELD but what if they brought her back to when she was an enemy of the state.

Bucky had told him about the book of phrases they had to make him comply. If they used one on Nat he was sure it would be another helicarrier situation. He couldn’t hurt Natasha any more than he could hurt Bucky.

Her past with Bucky that she had chosen to keep a secret from them flashed in his head. That was info about how she had been trained and tied the Red Room to HYDRA and yet she had said nothing. He understood why but still, she was clearly able to keep her secrets.

‘Leave me time to gather a team.’ He said through clenched teeth.

His face remained impassive but he nodded all the same. ‘I’ll leave it up to you. Hill can run mission support, just tell her when you need her.’

Steve made to leave the office but Fury’s voice stopped him at the door.

‘They’re on their way home too. They got off with cuts and bruises, Barnes did well.’

Steve nodded without turning around and continued his leave of the office. He let his shoulders sag with relief once he was out of sight.

Lost in thought, he didn’t see the brunette head until it was too late and walked right into Darcy. He grabbed her before she could hit the ground but she still let out a soft ‘oof’ as he straightened her.

She looked pretty frantic. Steve raised his eyebrows at her presence. Had she been planning on marching into the Director’s office and demanding information? It was Darcy, so probably.

‘I was just coming to find you.’ He gently turned her to lead her from Fury’s office.

She let him. If he was here he would have the information she wanted.

‘What the fuck is going on Steve? I was watching on TV and then those guys ran in with guns and they were shooting at Bucky and Nat. What happened? Nat cut out the cameras I… I don’t know’ She looked lost

‘They’re okay Darcy. The threat was dealt with and they’re coming home now. I’m sorry I didn’t come find you sooner.’

And he was, seeing her in such a state made him feel extremely guilty. It was a mistake he would not repeat if they were to find themselves in a situation like this again.

She let out a breath while nodding. ‘That’s good. I’m gonna… I’m gonna go do something.’

She kept nodding to herself and turned around. Steve called after her but she just raised her hand in acknowledgement and carried on walking.

He knew he should probably go after her but they were due back shortly and he wanted to be there when they got back. He knew if anything was really wrong FRIDAY would inform him so he made his way to the roof instead.

 

* * *

 

He got there a minute or two after the helicarrier landed but instead of seeing both Bucky and Nat on the tarmac, he could only see Bucky.

He walked over and reached out to hug his friend. ‘You alright Buck?’

Bucky grimaced, he looked extremely tired. ‘Yeah, I won’t pretend it wasn’t rough but we got through it.’

They shouldn’t have had to though. Steve made a mental note to tell Hill that the Avengers would not be attending any kind of meetings or conferences if the people hosting it couldn’t manage decent security. And they wondered why the Avengers had to save their asses constantly.

‘I’m proud of you, you handled it really well from what I could tell.’ He was trying his best not to come off as condescending but he wasn’t lying. He _was_ proud of Bucky.

Thankfully Bucky just seemed pleased by Steve’s words. Pleased in a tired kind of manner.

‘Thanks Punk.’ Bucky could see his friends eyes roving for Natasha. ‘She left the quinjet before you got up, was out like a flash.’ He frowned. ‘Real quiet on the trip back too. I’m not sure exactly what happened but I’m pretty sure there was more talking in her fight than there’s supposed to be.’

Steve grimaced. He had experience with these kind of people, they were ruthless and cruel when it came to using people’s pasts against them. And Natasha had a hell of a past for them to use against her.

Since the HYDRA/SHIELD data dump nothing about them was sacred. Of course there were things that hadn’t made it on file and he thanked the lord for that because there were parts of his life he certainly didn’t need documented. Despite having all the information, Steve had not read Natasha’s file. When he had first worked with her he asked Fury to give him the relevant info he would need but had decided that the particulars of Natasha’s past were her own.

He still stood by that decision, anything Nat wanted him to know she could tell him. The only problem with that plan was that now he didn’t know exactly what this hell group may have brought up to her.

‘Yeah I know where she is.’ And he did, the same place she went every time she was upset or stressed or just didn’t want to think about anything.

Bucky nodded and clapped his friend on the shoulder. ‘You better go get her so.’

Steve nodded and Bucky watched him go. He was surprisingly struck by the desire to find Darcy. She was brilliant at making him feel better, making him think about something other than the destruction he had just come from.

He almost did. He was setting off down the hallway to make his way to her rooms when his footsteps slowed and he remembered just why he couldn’t do that. Their devastating kiss flashed through his mind and he cursed himself.

The kiss that had changed everything. He almost wished he hadn’t done it. If he hadn’t then she would still be his friend and he could still go to her. He couldn’t completely wish it though. The imprint of her kiss was seared not only on his lips, but he swore he could feel it in his bloodstream. Her splash of colour was missing on he canvas of his life right now but he forced himself to take his body to the gym instead.

Darcy deserved so much more. He would not have her become some kind of balm to fix him. He would not have her put in danger for associating with him. He would not and could not do that to her. He would continue his solitude and he would do it for her.                                                  

So instead of going where he wanted to he went the opposite direction and headed for the gym. He was tired from the days events but he needed to work out his frustration and a punching bag seemed the best place to do it.

 

* * *

 

Steve made his way to her studio, not masking his footsteps as he walked in so there was no way she could miss his entrance. He saw her shoulders sag slightly for a second before she straightened up. Her back became ramrod straight and her chin lifted regally as she turned to greet him.

‘I had hoped to see you on the tarmac.’ was his greeting to her. She didn’t look teary, just tired and angry.

She was silent for a few beats, staring at him seeming almost bored.

‘I was not in a good mood, I thought it best I don’t take it out on you.’ Her voice was controlled and she made no move to step any closer.

Steve knew Natasha well enough to know she was upset. Not necessarily at him, but definitely upset.

‘I don’t mind if you do. I want to be here for you.’

She scoffed. ‘Hugs and kisses won’t make everything better Steve.’

He shrugged slightly. ‘Maybe not, but it’s worth a shot isn’t it?’ He took a step towards her. ‘And it would definitely make me better.’

She allowed a small smile at that. He saw her throat bob as she swallowed heavily before nodding slightly.

He took this as permission and he made the two steps it took to get to her, wrapping his arms around her and tucking her face into his neck. He hadn’t anticipated her wrapping her legs around his waist but he certainly wasn’t complaining.

Their position did make it a little harder to tell his body that this was about comfort and nothing else but Natasha shaking slightly in his arms was enough to quell any raunchy thoughts clean from his head.

He made a quick log of people allowed on this level of the tower and then how long it would take him to get back to his room. He decided that he would be safe enough to carry Natasha back without anybody spotting them. He was in no way ashamed of being caught in an intimate embrace with her but he knew Nat wouldn’t want anybody seeing her in such a vulnerable position.  

He took off down the hall, Natasha still clinging to him like a little spider monkey.

‘Where are we going?’ he heard her mumble against his neck.

‘My place, I’ll take care of you Nat.’

Her unease was almost palpable, not at the prospect of being in Steve’s room but that she needed someone to take care of her.

Steve was proud to reach his room in almost record time and without a single person seeing them. He would have to remind FRIDAY later to defeat the footage lest Tony get his hands on it. Although that was being unfair, Tony knew just as well as the rest of them how difficult it could be to pull yourself out of the after mission feeling.

He set her down on the couch and looked at her. Although she looked bone tired, her eyes were still dry.

‘Tea?’ he called as he made his way to the kitchen.

It took her a second, but she responded in the affirmative and he set about brewing for her.

She took a sip of the beverage and hummed in surprise once he passed it to her.

‘You make nice tea’ it was a questioning statement but he absolutely was not going to tell her that he had roped Darcy into showing him exactly how Natasha liked it brewed.

Instead he just settled close beside her and raised an arm to wrap around her. He put something meaningless on the television and sat with her, letting her know that if she wanted to talk he would listen.

She drank her tea and watched the movie playing on the screen. Her eyes tracked what was going on but he was pretty sure she wasn’t actually concentrating on it. He watched from the side of his eye every now and then but continued to say nothing.

After the movie she rose from the couch. She tugged on his arm and led him towards his bedroom. She sat him on the bed and went to his wardrobe, methodically stripping down to her underwear and slipping on one of his well worn shirts. He followed her lead, undressing until he was down to just his boxer briefs.

He scooted back to sit up against the headboard, expecting her to sit up next to him. Instead she climbed on him, essentially sitting there in his lap with her legs around his waist, her arms around her neck and her lovely behind nestled comfortably between his thighs.

She leaned down to rest her forehead against his, her green eyes luminous and a lot more alive than they had been earlier.

‘Hello’ she whispered to the space between them.

He smiled. ‘Hello there.’

She rubbed her nose against his affectionately. ‘Thank you for not letting me stew on my own.’

He raised his hand to cup the back of her neck, bringing her lips closer to his so he could kiss her firmly.

When he pulled away her mouth chased his for another kiss.

‘You can talk to me Nat.’ he stroked her hair, almost like calming a skittish horse.

She looked at him seriously for a moment before breaking out in one of the softest smiles he’d ever seen her bestow on anybody.

‘I know.’ Was all she said before peppering soft kisses first to his lips, then his nose, his forehead. She mapped out the lines of his face with her lips while playing with the short strands of hair at the nape of his neck.

She leaned back slightly and looked at him expectantly. He grinned and returned the favour. It was all fine and well for them to hop into bed in a blaze of passion but this was about so much more than a quick romp. This was about familiarity with each other, about building up trust between them.

He trailed kisses down her jaw and nuzzled into her neck, sighing happily. She moved his hands from just north of her waist to grip her hips and looked at him with fire in her eyes that hadn’t been there just a second ago.

He pulled her closer to him so she could feel just how much this was affecting him. The noise she made in the back of her throat paired with the spark he saw in her eyes spurred him into action.

It wasn’t quick. Not the wild, carnal experience one might expect from Natasha. They didn’t fuck, it wasn’t about the sex. It was about comfort, and sex to provide comfort was so different from sex for passion.

He took his time learning the receptive spots on her body. Behind her ear, the curve of her stomach, she particularly liked feeling his large hands wrapped around her waist with the tips of his fingers pressing against her lower back.   

He was a sucker for her teeth nipping at his earlobe, the feel of her leg hitched high on his hip, the fact that she maintained eye contact with him throughout as if it was some kind of challenge.

The various emotions that flashed through her green eyes were enough to keep him going. Happiness was the most consistent one.

 

* * *

 

Afterward as they lay there, her leg thrown casually over his stomach and his head tucked in against her chest he couldn’t help continue dropping kisses wherever his lips could reach. She squirmed slightly as his lips caught her neck at a ticklish spot and she leaned back to look at him.

In the dark of the room with only the slight sunlight shining through a crack in the curtains she looked like some kind of goddess. Her red hair illuminated like a fiery halo from the backdrop of sunlight, her skin even paler in the strip of light.

‘You remind me of Summer.’ It came out before he even realised what he was saying.

Her eyes narrowed and she looked at him suspiciously.

‘Summer like the season or Summer like a person?’

He laughed out loud, silently questioning what kind of people she had been with before if that was even a question she had to ask. He sobered slightly then, remembering who they were.

‘Summer like the season you goof.’

She grinned and leaned forward so her nose was almost touching his.

‘You wanna elaborate on that. Is it because I’m really hot?’ she scrunched her nose up as she smiled.

He tapped her nose. ‘Incredibly modest too.’

She laughed at that and he sat up a little more, taking her with him.

‘I obviously don’t need to tell you I like your looks, you’re already incredibly self-assured.’

She rolled her eyes and made to shove his shoulder but he caught her hand, fully aware she let him, and held it instead.

‘I just meant how you make me feel. I know I don’t have to worry about the cold when you’re around.’ Talking about his feelings had never been one of his strong points so his eyes dropped to linger around her shoulder when he said this.

It was no secret he didn’t like the cold. Even before his little ice nap he had hated it because it seemed to trigger every illness known to man in him. After he woke up, he tried his hardest to stay warm. If he felt the cold it brought him back to his sacrificial landing, to waking up and everyone he had known and loved being gone, to the loneliness. Yes, Steve hated the cold.

With Natasha around, he wasn’t so worried about it.

All teasing vanished from her face and she made to straddle him again, taking his face in her hands, a fierceness in her bright eyes.

Words failing her she kissed him hard and strong and they lay down to bed, finding comfort in each other once again.

 

* * *

 

Across the complex Bucky was coming back from a pretty brutal gym session. He had gone there to try and work off his frustration over Darcy but had just come back feeling sore and sad. He was so caught up in his head he almost didn’t see the little Tupperware container sitting outside his rooms.

He approached it warily. He was pretty sure Stark’s computer wouldn’t let anything dangerous into the complex but then again, Stark hated him so maybe this was his way of bumping him off.

He reached his foot out to gently nudge the seemingly harmless container and he spotted the hot pink post it that was stuck to the top.

Deciding it wasn’t dangerous he picked it up. In surprisingly elegant script there was a note.

_Dear Bucky,_

_I know you probably had a pretty rough time coming back from that shitshow with Nat so I thought these might make you feel better. I made your favourite chocolate chip cookies. If you need me you know where my room is and me and Jane miss you in the lab!_

_Please don’t be a stranger._

_Yours,_

_Darcy_

Sure enough when he opened the container he was met with the gorgeous smell of Darcy’s home baking.

She missed him. What a fucking mess.

He lifted one of the cookies to his mouth and took a bite. While he knew it was flawless he couldn’t for the life of him enjoy it. She had made it thinking about him.

This bothered him. He wasn’t worth her thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not 100% happy with this chapter but I'm also a busy woman so I've done all I can do with it. I hope my Nat/Steve moments were enjoyable for everyone. I went out this weekend and made some terrible TERRIBLE life decisions so I'm staying in and writing which hopefully means quicker updates! Hope ya'll enjoy xoxo


	8. She sees straight through me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A prank and an argument

Darcy was sad. The whole situation with Bucky had her feeling really down. She wasn’t an idiot, she was well aware she was more than fond of him. She was also well aware he didn’t reciprocate her feelings. That was fine, if he needed her as a friend she could be a friend.

But he was avoiding her. He used to stop by the labs every day, if he was busy he’d drop in for a few minutes with a coffee for the two girls and head off again. Now she barely saw him, just a quick view of him as he left whatever room she entered. She was a little pissed about it honestly.

They were both adults, they could maintain a friendship without things getting awkward but Bucky was acting like a child and she didn’t know what she could do to let him know it was okay. She left him cookies after his ordeal, let him know she was thinking of him and that she was still there for him but still, no reaction.

When she was in a mood like this Darcy relied on distraction. Right now she was looking for distraction in the form of revenge. She hadn’t forgotten Steve’s grab and run of the cookies she’d baked. He was lulled into a false sense of security with her lack of retaliation and his newfound relationship with Natasha. Now it was time for Darcy to hit back.

She enlisted Clint to help her because Clint was always up for mischief and had a whole array of skills that could help her. She knew she wouldn’t do anything cruel, something harmless but funny. She had been the subject of many cruel pranks in her time and she wouldn’t put somebody else through it. With that in mind, deciding what to do was easy, he had stolen her cookies, she would do something cookie related back.

It had been Clint’s idea to fuck with the shield, not so that it wouldn’t be usable but enough that Steve knew it had been tampered with. It was pretty simple after that to come up with a design plan. Clint had proposed painting the shield a nice hello kitty pink but knowing Steve he’d probably declare pink his favourite colour and there was no enjoyment out of that.

No. she needed to make this personal. It took a while to source giant brown rhinestones but Darcy was nothing if not resourceful. Tony had helped her whip up a nice golden brown paint that would resemble her cookies but was also impossible to get off without solution. Solution that only she and Tony had access to.

The hardest part of the plan was going to be actually getting the shield. She could have asked Nat or Tony but honestly that felt too easy. Instead she wheedled and whined at Clint until he took her to the vents with him so she could stealthily drop into Steve’s apartment.

Thanks to Nat’s intel she knew where he kept the shield so it was simple enough for Clint to lower her down while Steve wasn’t home and for her to sneak on into his closet and take out the shield.

The spraying of it went beautifully and when the rhinestones were added it really did look like a giant cookie. She grinned to herself as she skipped to the kitchen to grab a post it and leave Steve a little note.

She was just finishing it when the front door started to open. With nowhere to go she panicked and dove behind the island. Stupid really since there was no way he wouldn’t see her there. She looked up and caught Clint’s panicked face peering down at her from the ceiling but there was nothing he could do.

Knowing detection was inevitable she peeked over the top of the island and was surprised to see not the blonde patriot she had expecting but the brunette that had occupied her thoughts these last few weeks.

She straightened up and cleared her throat uncomfortably as he looked at her with a mix of awkwardness and confusion. She slowly reached for the note she had written, walked over to the shield/giant cookie and stuck it on. Then she lugged the shield to the most visible spot in the room and turned to face Bucky.

He blinked at her in confusion but said nothing.

She took two steps towards him and pointed her finger threateningly.

‘You saw nothing.’ It wasn’t a request but a demand.

He could feel the corners of his mouth start to tick up at her ridiculousness. He didn’t know exactly why she was vandalising Steve’s shield but it was funny nonetheless.

He nodded solemnly at her demand and she gave him a quick salute.

Her original plan had been to walk out the door once she had the shield put away but with the new body in the room she felt that wasn’t quite cool enough.

She climbed the island and made eye contact with Clint who had been watching the whole exchange. Clint was a smart kid and knew what she wanted so he reached down to grab a hold of her arms.

From the corner of her eye she saw Bucky shuffle as if he wanted to go over and help but was stopping himself from doing so.

She let Clint pull her up and she disappeared into the vent to make her way back to the kitchen.

Bucky watched her feet disappear and heard the faint sound of her moving around above head.

He smiled to himself a shook his head before saying aloud.

‘What a woman.’

 

* * *

 

Once her and Clint had reached above the kitchen he helped her down and then followed suit after her. He held up his hand for a high five for a job well done.

Darcy complied, slapping her hand against his before gathering him up in a hug.

He ruffled her hair and sat opposite her grinning.

‘So… that was pretty awkward.’ He said teasingly.

She sniffed in disdain. ‘I don’t know what you could be talking about.’

He just laughed. ‘Alright Dee if you don’t wanna tell me what’s going on that’s fine.’

Then he pulled out his puppy eyes.

Darcy sighed loudly and rolled her eyes. ‘Alright for God’s sake I’ll tell you. Stop with the face.’

So she filled him in, excluding any info that she thought Bucky wouldn’t like people to know but letting Clint know enough that he could tell why she was sad.

‘Guy’s an idiot, he’d have to be mad to not wanna shack up with you Dee. If I was single and ten years younger.’ He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Clint actually quite liked Bucky and he didn’t have both sides of the story so he couldn’t accurately pass judgement. Still, this was what Darcy wanted to hear and he would happily oblige her.

Steve was due back to his apartment shortly so Darcy and Clint made their way to Tony’s lab so they could view his reaction to finding his cookie shield.

Tony met her with a high five when she walked into his lab.

‘Great job kid, thought you were a goner when Barnes showed up.’ He scooted down to give her room to sit next to him.

‘Consider this my official resume to join the Avengers’ she grinned and looked between both men.

‘Not a hope we could handle you Dee.’ Tony said as he ruffled her hair.

She was about to answer when Clint excitedly nudged her and waved his hands at the screen.

On screen Steve walked into his apartment and immediately stopped, his eyes narrowed as he looked around. It was almost as if he could sense the disturbance.

He did a double take when he spotted his shield lying out in the open air and he made his way towards it. His face showed confusion and slight amusement as he took in his shield disguised as a giant cookie.

He picked up the post it and read it, his face changing between annoyance and laughter as he read it.

‘Fucking Darcy.’ He said aloud with a sigh as he went to the kitchen to try and remove the paint and rhinestones.

‘What did you put on the note?’ Clint questioned beside her.

She grinned evilly. ‘I just said if he was so desperate for cookies he had to resort to stealing then I’d supply him with his own giant one.’

Both men shook their head in laughter at her antics and reminded themselves not to get on the wrong side of Darcy Lewis.

 

* * *

 

Steve didn’t know if he should laugh or cry at Darcy. He had scrubbed his shield with every concoction he could think of and still nothing. He could smell Stark’s assistance all over this but he really _really_ did not want to ask him for help.

He was annoyed she’d so easily broken into his apartment and vandalised his shield but on the other hand it had been a hell of a week and it was nice to be able to laugh.

He had agonised about the upcoming mission. To tell Nat or not? He didn’t want to worry her by letting her know he was going without her. He couldn’t bring her for fear something would happen and she’d be pitted against them. He felt guilty keeping the entire thing from her.

He had compiled a team regardless. It was difficult because he hadn’t decided whether he would tell her or not and so only certain people could be added to his team. Clint was out because of his loyalty to Nat. Bucky was out because of the risk he’d face heading back into a HYDRA den. Although, Steve mused, he could possibly be brought in for piloting if he was to land far enough away.

That left him with Thor who he knew would gladly come along. Vision and Wanda still weren’t back and while he could call them if absolutely necessary, he didn’t think this constituted as that. He could always count on Sam to have his back. Hill would offer him whatever men he needed.

So would it be the worst thing in the world if he didn’t tell her? It wasn’t like he wouldn’t be able to handle it with the team he had. Probably best to not mention it.

He’d do something nice for her tonight, he decided. He wasn’t a great cook, he could put together a few things but was by no means a whizz in the kitchen. Easier to stop off at her favourite place and pick them up dinner. He’d set the table all romantic like, candles and the works.

 

* * *

 

Four hours later and he was pulling out her chair for her, dinner steaming in front of them, lights dimmed with the glow of candles on the table and a rose in a glass vase sitting between them. He thought he’d done pretty damn well for someone who claimed to be useless with women.

Nat was quiet though, she smiled and thanked him in the right places but still she seemed a little off. If Steve had to wager, he’d say she was sad but just what she could be sad over was a mystery to him. As far as he knew, everything was going fine in her life right now.

When he brought out dessert he knew something was up. Normally she ate chocolate mousse like she was a drowning woman and it was oxygen but today she pushed it around the bowl, taking only a few mouthfuls.

He didn’t really know how to bring it up. Nat was notorious for keeping things bottled up and getting her to talk about anything she didn’t want to was insanely difficult.

Things had been mostly silent as they ate, the occasional comment on the food or story about their day but after dinner it went into the awkward silence.

Eventually she looked up at him stony faced.

‘Were you ever going to tell me about the Black Widow mission?’

And it all made sense. Her mood, her silence. She had probably been waiting for him to bring it up at dinner.

‘How did you find out about it?’ he asked which was obviously the wrong response since she glared at him.

‘What does that matter?’ she questioned.

He clenched his jaw. ‘It matters if someone on my team is out there spilling secrets to anyone.’

She sucked in a breath at that and he only just realised the implications of what he had said. He was about to backtrack when she spoke.

‘So I’m just anyone? Despite being the only one that actually knows how all this works? How they operate?’

He sighed loudly. They both knew how valuable she would be to the mission.

‘It isn’t about how useful you’d be Nat, it’s about keeping you safe.’

She raised an eyebrow at that. She’d been keeping herself safe much longer than Steve Rogers had been in her life.

‘Shouldn’t I be the one to make that decision? What’s actually going on Steve. At least respect me enough to tell me the truth.’

It was difficult for him to choose his words. He knew why he hadn’t told her but he was worried the way he phrased it wouldn’t come out right.

‘Nat… on the helicarrier when Bucky didn’t know who I was, I couldn’t fight him. I did what had to be done to save everyone else but after that if it was kill or be killed, I couldn’t hurt Bucky.’ He reached his hand across the table hoping she’d take it. She didn’t. ‘If something happened and they turned you against us, I wouldn’t be able to hurt you. You’d have to kill me and I couldn’t put either of us in that position.’

Her face didn’t soften and her posture remained stiff. The delicious meal he had just eaten was now swirling in his stomach, threatening to come back up if the set of her shoulders didn’t relax soon.

‘And how exactly would they turn me against you?’ she replied evenly.

‘With… with code words.’ He winced as he said it out loud, realising how he must sound.

She seemed to agree. She pursed her lips and nodded her head slowly.

‘With code words.’ She continued nodding.

Then she got up from the chair to lean her hands against the island, he back turned to Steve and her muscles strained as she gripped it.

‘If you’d bothered to ask Steve, you’d know there are no fucking _code words_.’ She spun around, anger glinting in her eyes. ‘If you’d asked me, I could have told you they set words as a precaution for James because he was an American taken and shocked and brainwashed into becoming what he became.’ Her breathing was heavy now as she tried to get a handle on her emotions. ‘If you’d fucking asked me Steve I could have told you that they didn’t take those precautions with me because I am Russian and I was raised on the fucking bullshit they spew in there. There was never a concern I would need to be brought back under their control, they never thought I’d be out of it’

She slumped against the island, the fight seemingly draining from her body.

‘But you didn’t ask.’

It was the tone that ruined Steve. She just sounded so finished. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew he had fucked up monumentally here. He had just been so scared, so sure that something was bound to go wrong that he didn’t treat Natasha as the equal she was but as something to be protected. In trying to protect both of them he had hurt her.

‘I don’t… I didn’t think about it like that Nat. I just wanted to keep you safe.’

He was about to apologise when she lifted her head and looked at him with sad eyes.

‘But you should have thought about it like that Steve. You’re the best tactician I know and you didn’t once consider that I might be the best person for the job here? Sorry but I don’t believe that.’

‘Of course I considered it, but I was thinking about you as Natasha not as Agent Romanoff and-’

‘No.’ she interrupted. ‘This isn’t about you trying to protect me. This is about the part of you, however small it might be, that still doesn’t trust me.’

He made to argue but she held her hand up in the universal silencing gesture.

‘You don’t Steve. There is no logical reason why you didn’t mention the mission to me. Even if you were trying to protect me you could have come to me and asked for my advice, asked me for the best way to approach it. At least fucking ask me to run mission support, but you didn’t.’

She took a deep breath as he looked on helplessly at her.

‘There’s a part of you that still thinks I could turn. That… I have to be honest with you Steve that makes me so angry.’ Her eyes were glittering with angry tears but her face remained hard as stone. ‘For you to think that I could go back to them. They took _everything_ from me. Any chance of happiness I had they snatched from me. For the love of God Steve I can never have a family because of them.’

As she said the last part her hand raised almost instinctively to rest against her stomach. Steve wasn’t slow on the uptake, he knew what that meant and his heart broke for her. He hadn’t been aware of that particular fact. Obviously it didn’t matter to him, she was still Natasha, but it was clear that it had a huge impact on her.

‘I fucked up Nat but I do trust you. I don’t…I don’t think you’d turn on me by choice.’

He got up to reach out to her but she backed up as he neared. He stopped walking and cold fear spread through him as he watched her face. She looked like she had made her mind up about something.

‘Maybe not consciously but something in you doesn’t trust me and if that’s how it is…’ She balled her fists and clicked her tongue against her teeth. ‘Fuck, I have to get out of here Steve.’

He moved towards her again. ‘Nat please don’t, we can talk about this.’

She looked at him coldly and he was struck with knowledge that she had never looked at him with that expression before. He was thrown back to their morning in bed when she had glowed in the light and looked at him even warmer than the sun.

‘Now you want to talk about it? You don’t get to talk about it now Steve, you don’t get to decide just because you’re caught out that I’m trustworthy again.’

‘Nat…’ he pleaded desperately.

She shook her head at him, her face dropping as she swallowed the lump in her throat. She was still shaking her head as she turned and walked out the door.

Steve collapsed into his seat and stared at the remnants of their dinner on the table. How had everything gone so wrong in the space of about five minutes? How could he have screwed it up so badly that Nat would think he didn’t trust her?

The worst thing about it was that he had never once considered that she would turn on them  by choice. He had royally fucked up by not discussing it with her and now he didn’t know where they stood.

Nat had believed in him, had accepted it when he said he trusted her and he knew how important that was for her and now everything he had said, what they had together was tainted because she thought it had all been a lie.

This was one thing he wasn’t sure they could come back from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao sorry I know they've only been happy for like 5 minutes. On the plus side for all you Bucky/Darcy fans there's some more of their content coming up. I just want to say thank you to everyone that gives Kudos and comments on this fic. I know I don't respond to them but thats just because I never know what to say tbh but I do read every single one, multiple times really, and get extremely happy each and every time. They are hugely appreciated and really motivating so thank you <3


	9. She smells like home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky gets cooking

The next week was torture. Since they existed in a professional context as well as a personal one it wasn’t like Natasha could continuously avoid Steve. Every time she looked at him he was struck by the emptiness in her face. He had known she had a phenomenal poker face but seeing her look at him without any emotion at all made him realise just how open she had been with him.

And now it was all fucked up. He had tried to speak to her but she was a slippery snake when it came to getting her alone. He wouldn’t use his position as leader of the team to make her be alone with him but goddamn it he was tempted.

He had told Bucky what had happened and although Bucky had so much going on with his feelings on Darcy he still listened intently to Steve’s issue. It was a shitty situation because Bucky could see it from both sides.

He believed Steve when he said that he had never thought Natasha would willingly betray them. He also believed that Steve had mangled his wording so completely that Nat believed that was exactly what he thought.

For a man that could give inspirational speeches out like they were as common as rain he was terrible with putting his thoughts coherently into words when it came to Nat.

Bucky had offered to speak to her but it was half-hearted, he knew Nat and having someone from the outside get involved wasn’t likely to warm her up.

He was pretty sure Darcy didn’t know what had happened. Try as he might to stop himself, every time he was in a room with her she was all he saw. She was still as smiley as ever with Steve giving no indication that she knew anything.

Clint was another story. While he was always professional Bucky had spotted the hard look he had sent Steve more than once. He liked Clint and he understood where he was coming from but his protective instincts regarding Steve were making themselves more known each and every day.

So yeah, a pretty shitty situation. Turned even shittier when they got the call for a mission. Short, but one that Bucky was not cleared for. Which meant Steve was heading out with Natasha, Clint and Sam while Bucky had to stay at home. He just hoped it wouldn’t be too awkward.

It was a simple mission, none too dangerous and realistically lasted the better part of three hours but to Steve it felt like weeks. The comms system, normally filled with light-hearted banter was silent and awkward only for the occasional question and update.

Nat was strictly professional and he really couldn’t fault her but goddamn did she know how to hurt him. Instead of his name she would only refer to him as ‘Captain’ which yeah was his official title on missions but it was the way she said it. Cold and mechanical, like he was nothing to her. It made him ache for the teasing tone she usually bestowed on his title.

Clint too would mainly refer to him by his title and while it didn’t hurt the way it did when Nat said it he was still sad that his teammate was unhappy with him.

He wanted to explain, he wanted to let her know that it was never a point of trusting her, that he _does_ trust her unconditionally. That the way it all played out that night was just a huge misunderstanding.

She wasn’t making it easy. He was half petrified himself that he would get her alone and do his best to tell her all that and then fuck it up again. He knew exactly what he was thinking but formulating that into a proper speech to tell Nat was giving him trouble. If there was some way he could just prove to her that he really did trust her then maybe she’d come back to him.

At least, that was what he hoped.

 

* * *

 

Back at the tower Bucky was restless. Normally he wouldn’t worry too much about Steve on smaller missions like this. He would always have protective instincts over him but he knew just how capable Steve was in the field.

Today though, today he was distracted. The fight with Natasha was taking up residence in his mind and Bucky knew that could affect him on the mission. He hoped that despite the argument Natasha would be professional and would look out for Steve as she would any other time on the field.

He hummed and hawed over going to the gym, normally that’s what he’d do if he was upset but it just didn’t feel right this time. He would just get frustrated there because he hadn’t been allowed to go along with them and help.

He shuffled awkwardly around his room deliberating on whether he should just queue up a movie or read a book or something basic when his stomach let out a roar and he realised just how hungry he really was.

He could have ordered takeaway, that’s usually what he did for dinner but right now he was yearning for a taste of home. Although he didn’t quite remember just what home was, he did remember some of the food from it.

People might think it odd that he would be craving a dish made from the bare minimum that they ate when there was nothing else but he could just about remember the recipe for egg drop soup and he desperately wanted to feel the familiarity.

 

* * *

 

He began dicing onion, his mind wandering to everything he didn’t want to think about. He didn’t want to think about Natasha and Steve, that they might not be able to resolve what had happened. He didn’t want to think about the possibility that it could cause awkwardness and bad feelings between the team. God help him he especially didn’t want to think about Darcy and those delicious fucking cookies she’d made to make _him_ feel better as if that was her job.

Testament to the safety he must feel in the tower he let his guard down as he thought and didn’t notice the entrance of a person to the kitchen until they walked over to him. Almost as if his thoughts had conjured her, there was Darcy. So used to seeing her in jeans and sweaters it made his breath catch seeing her in a pretty yellow and white dress. It was not a very revealing dress but of course he noticed the curve of her breast in the modest neckline, her pale legs under the hem of the dress. He noticed how the yellow made her look paler but made her eyes look intensely blue and her hair look even darker, her lips even redder. It was like it magnified all the colours of Darcy.

His instincts told him to run before she could get close but he was in the middle of cooking, he couldn’t exactly be subtle about leaving. Besides, Darcy had told him not to be a stranger so he decided to stay and see if he could manage a regular conversation without shooting too many doe eyes her way.

She sidled up to the island and sat on the stool. At least there was an island between them. She curled a strand of her dark hair around her finger in an endearingly nervous gesture.

‘What are you making?’ her voice broke the stillness that had cloaked the room.

He swallowed and didn’t turn to look at her as he responded.

‘Egg drop soup, It was something we made back when food was scarce.’ He didn’t give her any reasons for him making it now and she didn’t ask.

She was silent for a few ticks before she spoke up again.

‘You need some help?’ her voice was tentative as if she were afraid he’d shoot down her offer.

He really wanted to say no, having her close to him was dangerous. She was intoxicating with her goddamn fruity perfume and her silky hair and just _her._

But he’d already hurt her feelings when he’d kissed her and ran. And he didn’t want to hurt her, that was the last thing he wanted. So he would endure.

‘Sure, could you finish the onions and potatoes?’ he moved aside to allow her space to get to the chopping board.

Her hand brushed against his as she reached for the knife and he swallowed hard.

Steve had told him he had once been popular with the ladies, he found it hard to believe since he just about jumped out of his skin every time Darcy touched him.

The silence was awkward for a few minutes and he was about to attempt to say something when he heard her mutter a demand to FRIDAY. Seconds later soft music began playing over the speakers.

Darcy was swaying to the music and his eyes were drawn to her lovely figure. Something he most certainly should not be looking at. He was thrown back to that blissful day in the lab when they had danced and he had been carefree in a way he couldn’t remember being since well before the war.

He shook his head and made his way back to the pot he was reaching for and made to ask Darcy was she finished chopping but when he turned around she was right there. Holding the chopping board with everything on it, eyes wide and mouth parted in surprise. She clearly hadn’t anticipated him twirling around so quickly.

Maintaining eye contact he took the board from her and slowly began turning to put them into the pot. He mentally asked himself just what the fuck did he think he was doing.

His back turned to her as he stirred he took a breath. Focus on the food and not on the gorgeous dame behind you, he thought desperately.

‘Is that everything?’ her sweet voice came from behind him.

‘Yep, I can handle the rest.’ He didn’t know if he even wanted her to leave. Despite everything, he had missed her.

She didn’t leave. She hopped back up on to her seat at the island and watched him as he worked. It wasn’t uncomfortable, he thought it would be but if anything it just felt natural.

‘Do you want some?’ he asked once it had finished.

She wrinkled her nose, he knew the meal looked a bit funny and he laughed a little.

‘It’s better than it looks, promise.’

She grinned at him and nodded.

‘Alright so, I trust you.’

Everything she said felt like it had another meaning, like she was talking about so much more than just a meal. That bothered him, he wanted her to understand just how much she really _shouldn’t_ trust him.

He just nodded and served her out a bowl. She took a spoonful and her eyebrows raised in surprise.

‘Is good.’ She said, her mouth half full completely unladylike.

He just smiled at her, thinking she was adorable even with soup half pouring out of her mouth.

They ate their meal in compatible silence with the occasional lab story from Darcy that made him ache to return. He missed the lab, he even missed Jane. Despite Darcy’s insistence to both him and Steve that he was more than welcome to still come visit he just felt like it would be too uncomfortable. Sitting there with Darcy he was starting to think a little differently.

Until they finished and both went to put their bowls in the sink. As she turned he caught sight of a little bit of dried soup at the corner of her mouth. Reflexively he licked his thumb and made to sweep it away and she froze.

His hand gently came to the corner of her lip as he rubbed the stain away and locked eyes with her. A moment of electricity zapped between them as his hand moved to cup her chin, his thumb still at her lip. She closed her eyes and moved in gently and he began to lean forward too until he realised exactly what he was doing and jerked backwards.

‘God I’m sorry Darcy, I didn’t mean…’

Her face hardened and she stepped back from him.

‘No, you didn’t mean did you? You never mean to. But you do anyway.’ She said angrily.

She looked at him with her eyes fiery and her eyebrows slanted down in a furious frown. It was possibly the first time he’d seen her look honestly truly angry.

‘You cant keep blowing hot and cold Bucky. If you want to be friends that’s fine, I can do that but this “will we, wont we” bullshit is killing me’ her hands were balled into fists by her sides and her face was getting redder with each word. ‘God if you don’t care about me can you say something now so I can stop wasting my time trying to be your friend.’

He held up his hands in a woah gesture.

‘Wait, I do want to be your friend Darcy, I just-’

‘Then fucking act like it.’ She interrupted him before turning on her heel, her pretty skirt swishing as she spun and stalked out the door.

He tried to call after her but she ignored him, too irritated to have a proper conversation with him right now.

The soup turned in his stomach now and he realised it wasn’t the food that had made him feel at home that day, but making it with Darcy. And that thought was terrifying.

He collapsed into his chair and sighed, he’d fucked it up royally. Staying away from her just hurt both of them but being near her was so hard for him too. The problem, he decided, was that she didn’t know his side of things. She didn’t know why he couldn’t be with her. If he told her, explained himself, he was sure she’d understand.

He juts had to find the words to tell her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all your wonderful comments on the previous chapter! I'm back to college this week so if I'm updating a little bit less frequently I apologise but i really will try to keep up the pace. besides there's only like 6 chapters left !! Hope ya'll enjoy

**Author's Note:**

> This can be read as a continuation to 'What's Best For You' but can also absolutely stand alone. Title is taken from 'She Tastes Like Summer' by the Spilt Milk Society and chapter titles will either come from that song or 'Pretend' by Picture This. Updates should be either weekly or bi weekly depending on my schedule and comments, kudos etc are extremely appreciated. The timeline is based sometime after Age Of Ultron but I play loose and fast with canon so lets just say Vision and Wanda were stressed and took a lil holiday because they don't appear in this fic. I'm on tumblr at siriusly-mckinnon Happy reading!!!


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